30 minutes before the match...
Jon’s eyes went wide as Karyn stepped forward to the microphone. Politely clearing her throat Karyn leaned in and looked at her childhood friend Jon. “Jon should become a beautiful redheaded scientist whose success in research has propelled her to a tenure track position at Penn, where she is widely known amongst the student body as being the wittiest and most beautiful faculty member at the university.” Jon smiled back at his old friend and Karyn nodded as she stepped aside to allow a young man who looked fresh out of high school approach the microphone.
“Sup bruh.” He said nodding at Jon and pulling out his phone to read from. “Aight. So Jon should become a caked up shortstack elite college cheerleader with melon sized breasts, bleach blonde hair, some DSLs, tanned skin, and an exhibition streak that causes her to barely wear any clothes on that tight toned 20 year old body of hers that is built for sex.” The kid winked at Jon who was starring wide eyed at the young man. “Slide in to my DMs babe.” He said yielding the microphone to a middle aged man.
Back to the present...
Jon glanced over at the gigantic screen above the entrance ramp. Below his name was the douchey young man’s description. ”That’s not my fate.” Jon told himself as his eyes drifted over to the description below Biff’s name.
“Jon’s flirty, demure, and faithful 25 year old big tiddy goth girlfriend who is known as much for her great sense of humor as she is for her pinup-esque body, her love of sexy clothes, and her smooth sensual swagger that drives men wild.”
Jon looked down at Zoe who sat in the front row next to his wife Sam. “Thank you.” He yelled down to his sister who had dictated the description of Biff’s female form.
“Ladies and Gentleman!” The ring announcer stepped into the middle of the ring. “Standing five feet nine inches tall and weighing a svelte one hundred and forty five pounds we have Jooooooon MEEEERLIN!” The woman pointed over to Jon who was now lit up by the house spotlight. “And his opponent. Standing 6 foot 3 inches, and weighing a thundering three hundred and nineteen pounds we have Biff MeeeeeeeaDOOOOOWS!!!!” A second spot light illuminated Biff in the corner opposite of Jon.
The woman took a step back and motioned for Jon and Biff to step forward. “Tonight’s Iron Maiden match will pit speed against strength. Mass against maneuverability. Hair against bald.” Jon winced at the word bald. “As always this Iron Maiden match is set for 1 hour, and the winner of the match is who ever pins or submits their opponent the most times over the course of the hour.” The woman glanced at Jon and then Biff. “Do you both understand?” They both nodded their heads yes. “Good. Now as always you can throw in the towel if you choose to give up before the hour time limit. After each pinfall or submission in the match the person who is pinned or submitted will partially change to better match the description of their future female self as voted for by our wonderful audience.” The woman pointed towards the descriptions under Biff and Jon’s names on the big screen. “Give yourself a round of applause for being amazing.” The woman said to the audience who began to loudly clap.
As their applause began to slow down the woman continued. “And like always in order to keep the match entertaining, the person who is pinned or submitted will be infused with the knowledge of to perform two wrestling moves chosen at random.” The woman looked over to Biff. “Do you understand?” Biff nodded yes and she looked back to Jon. “Do you understand?” Jon nodded yes. “Then let the Iron Maiden match begin!!!” She said stepped out of the ring.
DING DING DING The bell sounded and the timer on the big screen began to count down from 1 hour.
