Inspired by some chatter over on the Discord server.
“Fuck.” Jon kept his forehead pressed tight to the corner turnbuckle as he held onto the ring ropes. “I can’t lose.” Jon’s grip on the ropes tightened and his knuckles turned white. The noise of the crowd drowned out the pre-match music that was playing in the Lake Point Coliseum. “I can beat Biff. I can fucking beat him.” Jon spit in the corner of the ring and turned around to look across at his opponent. Though Biff was a mountain of a man, Jon could see a bit of nervousness in his eyes. ”I’ve got the speed advantage. I’ve gotta stick and move...” Jon told himself as he studied Biff’s hefty body.
1 week earlier...
“Fuck.” Jon said as he stood slack jawed by his mailbox. In his hand was a letter from the Lake Point Wrestling Commissioner. Knowing what this likely meant, Jon tucked the rest of his mail underneath his arm and quickly opened the letter. “No... No...” Jon gasp as he began to read the letter. His worst fears had come true. “Not an Iron Maiden match...” Jon felt his eyes well up with tears. “I don’t want to become a woman... I don’t want to lose my life...” Jon wiped a tear from his eye and read further through the letter. “Biff?” Jon’s heart sank at the thought of a wrestling match with Biff. “How am I supposed to beat Biff?” Jon’s head sank as he turned and walked back towards his house. “Sam is going to be devastated...” Jon knew his wife was going to break down in tears as soon as he told her the news.
5 days before the match...
”I can’t fucking work.” Jon told himself as he got up from his chair and stepped out of his cubicle. Snaking his way through the maze of cubicles Jon headed to the restroom to relieve his churning stomach. Closing the bathroom stall door, Jon sat down, and pulled out his phone. As Jon’s insides raged, Jon decided it was finally time to look up Biff, who Jon hadn’t seen since their high school graduation 20 years earlier. ”That’s Biff?” Jon asked himself as he scrolled through an Instagram page that looked like it belonged to Biff. The man in the pictures looked vaguely like Biff, but Jon couldn’t quite make out Biff’s face from behind the tinted sunglasses that he had on in every photo. As Jon scrolled through fishing and hunting pictures in search of an “unmasked” photo of Biff, Jon began to watch the weight fall off of Biff’s hefty body. “There!” Jon gasp spying a picture of Biff without sunglasses. ”It’s really him...” Jon couldn’t believe that the once stud athlete had let himself go like he did, but this picture was enough to convince Jon that the flabby 300lbs+ man with shoulder length hair was Biff.
3 days before the match...
“I need to be smart.” Jon said to Sam. “We get breaks for wardrobe changes, so I need to be shirtless.” Jon held up a pair of wrestling tights. “If I wear these, then at some point they’ll have to stop the match so I can put on a top.” Jon paused when he noticed Sam was on the verge of tears again. “Babe... I’m sorry I have to do this... If I don’t the elders will kill me. So I either wrestle Biff and hope that I win, or I die...” Sam nodded and wiped a tear from the corner of her eye. “So anyways... If Biff takes control of the match at least the wardrobe change gives me a chance to catch my breath and re-strategize.”
2 days before the match...
”Stick and move...” Jon told himself as he jogged down the side of the road. While Biff had the weight and size advantage, Jon knew his speed and stamina were his best weapons. ”All these years of jogging is going to pay off...” Jon wiped the sweat from his forehead. ”Hopefully the crowd will go easy on me...” Jon thought back to the last Iron Maiden Match he had attended. The crowd had voted for Kevin Simpson to be turned into a slender Asian girl who only spoke broken English and wanted to do nothing more than please any man that she was near. ”That poor guy...” Each time Kevin had been pinned his body lost mass and become more girly. Thirty minutes into the hour long match, he had thrown in the towel and accepted his fate as Kiko.
”But those are the rules...” Jon told himself as he thought back to several other matches he had watched. ”I just have to hope that someone I know is selected for phase 1...” In Jon’s head memories of random audience members stepping forward and describing various types of women into a microphone played on repeat. Some audience members described normal everyday women, while other seemingly tried to out do one another with absurd descriptions of women. Once again Kiko popped into Jon’s head. ”Poor Kevin...” Jon thought as he continued his jog. ”He almost lucked out too...” Jon could see the big board with the 5 choices that the audience had voted on. “But instead of a successful supermodel he ended up as a pervy plaything...” Jon cringed thinking of the last time he had saw Kiko/Kevin in person. She was wearing a French maid outfit and obediently following her weeb husband Tad into McDonald’s.
