Albert Miller was never much of a heavy sleeper, but he felt like he had the world's worst hangover waking up this morning.
His mind felt like it was drenched in molasses, and his limbs weren't responding much better. He didn't remember drinking heavily last night, but something must have happened to put him in this stupor.
Not only that, but he was laying in a crib, his arms and legs draped out of it like he had sat in a box. Clearly something must have happened, but his brain was so fried from the hangover he couldn't think of what. He hadn't been in that conundrum since college.
Whatever had happened, he was inexplicably in his regular pajamas. Yes they were just regular boxer shorts, but he vividly remembered going to bed in them. So what had happened?
He set out to opening his eyes. Slowly but surely, he came to, and realized he was laying in the middle of his daughter Jenny's room. In her crib! He scrambled to get up and out of this situation.
However, the adrenaline of the shock of realization hadn't quite woken him all up. His limbs felt like jelly from the horrible sleeping position, and all he managed to do was flop himself sideways onto the floor.
He hit the ground hard, but thankfully the numbness spared him from any real pain. For now at least. Not so fortunately the sleeping position had left his hands feeling like they were clubs at the ends of his wrists, he struggled to manipulate his fingers at all.
He felt the numbness subsiding, but he still felt like a giant container of jello. He tried to focus on something to wake himself up while his body rebooted. He saw a small picture book laying next to him, one he had read to Jenny dozens of times.
Flicking the book over to him and rising slowly to sit on his legs, and plopping down with his feet wedged against his groin. Alarmingly, he thought that should hurt, squishing his balls like that, but his body was too hungover and numb to process any of it.
He studied the front cover, he could read it by memory at this point. "The Crazy Little Caterpillar, by Richard Atkins."
Except that wasn't what it said.
It didn't say anything at all. The letters on the front were mishmashed gibberish!
He knew that book, he recognized all the pictures and colors! But as he tried to follow the foreign language on the cover, he couldn't understand it at all.
He opened to a random page, a page he had read dozens of times, yet as he tried to take up a place, he found he couldn't make any sense of any of the writing. Even more than that, he couldn't remember the words to the story or how they related to the scribbles in the book.
The book must be in a foreign language, he decided. But as he looked around the room, to all the writing all over Jenny's things, it was all nonsense!
He focused on the alphabet scrawled all along the walls. As he tried to trace the scribbles across the banner, he immediately knew that they were meaningless. He couldn't even decipher the alphabet written on the wall.
He was illiterate. Somehow something had removed his ability to read. He felt his emotions well up inside of him and tears start to form at his eyes. He pushed himself up on his unsteady feet and resolved to hobble across the hall to where his wife was. She would help him.
It took him some time to waddle up the hall, but he finally burst in to his room, only to find his entire family shocked to see him.
This did nothing to help his emotions. He couldn't even take stock of the situation, he just needed comfort.
"Hewp, hewp, hewwwwwwwp!" He sobbed. "I woke up in a cwib and I'm aww fuzzy and weak and I canna wead no more!"
He instinctively leaned on his wife and his oldest son who were standing together, but they stood in shock and shirked away. The fact that they were nude and bizarrely transformed didn't even register for a second.
It was his youngest son who went to comfort him. He held him tight from his vantage point somewhere around his navel.
"Now now, it's ok sweetie. We all got changed. Everyone traded. It looks like you traded with Jenny."
"Changed? Changed how?" The embrace had significantly improved his mood and stabilized his tantrum, but his mind still felt like it was moving at a snail's pace.
He frantically looked over his body, nothing was significantly altered from what he could see.
"Now now, come here sweetie. I'll show you. This is hard to explain, but you and Jenny traded between your legs down here."
He softly pulled down his father's boxers, revealing nothing but a large, puffy pair of bright pink lips.
Albert couldn't believe it. He stared downwards at himself, completely baffled by what he was seeing. He had changed Jenny's diaper more times than he could count, but it was impossible for him to see what he was seeing from this angle. His penis was no longer protruding in any way, all he could see was a thick smooth mound.
"Where's my wee-wee? What happened? What happened to me?" He grew increasingly frantic and began to dance around, as if he could shake something loose. But try as he might, he felt nothing but emptiness. As much as he despaired, there was no longer a penis between his legs.
"I know this is a lot, but I need you to try and be calm. It's ok sweetie. You need to look at me."
He looked up with tears in his eyes, his hands still tugging and patting at his mound, helplessly trying to make himself male again. Suddenly the fog started to lift from his eyes.
"Its empty. It feels so empty. Theres nothing there, its just all nothingness its all gone. My balls. Oh my God. I hit myself in the groin, and I didn't feel a thing. I didn't get hurt because everything is gone... I'm not a man anymore."
The fog started to set in again as he looked to his family for comfort.
"Its alright. You don't have a wee-wee anymore. You traded with Jenny and now she has yours, and you have a baby girl's parts. It's ok. We all traded. I don't have my pee-pee any more either, and look, Jeff is a little girl too! Just try and breathe."
Jolene suddenly looked alarmed.
"If he's not all there, shouldn't we get him-"
Her sentence was interrupted by a sudden squeal. Albert had felt something release between his legs, and a bizarre ticking sensation between his legs where he had never felt anything in his entire life. Before he knew it, there was water pouring directly into his thighs.
The tears welling up in his eyes weren’t the only liquid being spilled. The whole family watched in quiet shock as he helplessly emptied his bladder all over his legs, and heard the distinct splatter of urine hitting the floor beneath him.
There was nothing he could do but clutch his mound in horror as a tiny pinprick of liquid dripped through his puffy lips straight down his inner legs to the floor.
There wasn't even a visible stream. He couldn't see anything looking down, he could only watch the crease at the front of his groin as urine poured down the insides of his legs.
"-a diaper? Jenny isn't potty trained."
And neither was he.
Albert stood in a puddle of his own urine, having tinkled himself as a female for the first time. He flicked at the front of his mound uselessly, but the fact was it was completely dry.
"I didn't even feel like I needed to go? Whats happening. Whats wrong with me?" He sobbed uncontrollably. "I couldn't even aim. It just all came out!"
"Well it looks like you're also incontinent, and it looks like you're also the first man to experience going as a little girl."
Jolene interjected, "No, that honor is Jeff's, he made a little tinkle earlier." She shot him a cruel wink.
"What happened to me? Im a grown man and I just pissed all over myself! I didn't feel anything, my legs were just all wet. It all just sprayed out from below me! Thats impossible, what happened to my bladder?" The lucidity faded from his eyes again. "I didn't mean to make tinkles like a baby."
With Dad consoled and most importantly, diapered. Danny and Jolene, the new matriarch and patriarch of the family, needed to figure out what to do.
