"Alright, Alright!" Jack's voice boomed through the starting line PA. "Now that the teams are all READY, checkpoints have been SET, it means it's time to-"
"Hey!" came a sharp shout that instinctively froze Jon and anyone still living other their mother's roof, which just so happened to include Mr. Packraft's. Linda continued, "What are we even supposed to do? I've never even seen the show so a little-"
"Never seen the show? We're number two in original programming and one in the P25-54 block every Wednesday night and I hear that knockoff Amazing Race does numbers on Thursday. So judging by the average ages here, you've had to have come across the concept-"
"Ackshully," spat Jackson Kayes wearing a Korean BBQ reeking BEW shirt who Jon only recognized from the being on the BANNED list at his local card shop, "if you're looking at the key demo, the Wonderful Marathon gets killed by BEW and you could argue most of those numbers are parents leaving the TV on for their kids or in-"
Jack Packraft wasn't having any of it, seemingly possessed by his mullet and the spirit of Southern Territory Wrestling (which may or may not be the same thing), "Listen here you little zit, the only reason your astroturfed-Cirque-Du-Solei ballerina show won't even exist in a few--" The vein in Jack's head was throbbing, "look, I don't need this... where were we?" Clearing his throat, and running a hand through his hair to re-tame the mullet, Jack continued, "So, rules, right? I can't believe I need to explain this, but it's a race. I say go, you go, first one there wins."
"Yeah, but go where?" came a question from somewhere in the crowd.
"Well, I give you a clue, and then you go to the answer of the clue and we'll eliminate the slowest teams."
This only opened the floodgates from the mob.
"But what if we don't understand the clue?"
"What about my son, he can't drive!"
"Will we be reimbursed?"
"Can I change partners?"
Jack tried to reassert authority, stamping quickly to put out the little fires he lit. "-It's a clue, it's a show that appeals to the average American, you'll figure it out. -Any underage competitors will be given a provisional license that will allow them to drive. Trust me, it'll make sense in time. -No reimbursements, but you'll be given a budget for certain challenges. -And no changing partners... unless we have a challenge about changing partners..."
A producer from behind the camera stepped forward to restore order. "Look people, we can't give away too many details about the competition or the prize. Just know the season's theme is about roles- changing roles, swapping roles, growing into a new role- and finding ways to compliment or match your partner. This season we have access to an amazing tool to make these roles and challenges more immersive than they ever have been before. It's going to make for a lot of good bumpers for the network. And people, trust me when I say this years prize is worth all the surprises we have planned for you."
Jon didn't need to put on his detective hat, the sinking pit in his stomach confirming the producer was talking about the stone. Or at least a wish.
"Yeah, you see this people," Jack stepped up, pulling at the business in the front part of his 'do to illustrate his point. "This morning, these were hair-plugs. Now it's a forest. This prize can make things happen for you!"
Jon gulped.
"Can you move this along and stop arguing with the cast, Jack? We're losing the light and don't forget the uniform plug. Lot of new sponsorships this year," said the producer, disappearing back behind the militia of cameramen.
"That's right, uniforms! Okay people, We're all set on rules right? I give a clue, you go to a place, and we'll make the rest up as we go along, got it?"
A general mumbling from the crowd sounded enough like "got it" for Jack to continue.
"Okay, that's more like it! A crew member will be with you shortly to help you pick your uniform. And guys, remember, this is a reality competition, if you perk up and make for some good television, we might just help you along."
Jon's head was spinning, breaths hard to get, as the reality of the situation was dawning on him. He had lost control of the stone and worst of all, he had given it up to one of the most evil entities imaginable- a broadcast television corporation. And his only chance of getting it back and making things right was winning a competition against scores of other competitors, each with their own terrible wishes waiting to become reality. His one advantage seemed to be that no one knew what the prize was yet and sending the competition into a frenzy.
So that was his advantage. Being in a frenzy, near panic-attack like state. That's what he had going for him.
Lucky me, thought Jon.
Well, there was Karyn, maybe she understood the stakes, but the way she was already bickering with Sarah already didn't give him a lot of hope of their tandem pulling it off, the poor intern caught in the middle, doing his best to break it up without getting clawed.
Mikey seemed to be taking it in stride, his biggest concern being the junior partner to Gina who was being presented a drivers' license with Mike pouting and stamping his foot.
He didn't have anyone else he could trust. Maybe his mom and Biff, but that would still mean trusting Biff. Still, any port in a storm.
And in an instant, a puff of pink smoke engulfed Jon's mom and bully, giving them enough privacy for their clothes to have changed under the commotion, Linda and Biff both wearing matching polyester Burgundy sweatsuits that Jon would catch his mom wearing on gym day or laundry day. Despite the feminine style and cut, the same style sweats seemed perfectly situated on Biff.
Karyn and Sarah were next, Karyn shedding her baggy jeans and top for some sleek athletic-wear: a neon colored windbreaker over a workout top, high-waisted drawstring athletic shorts, high socks, and running shoes. Karyn wanted to be mad, but Jon could tell she wasn't able to find the words to criticize what was obviously Sarah's pick. Fashion obsessed or not, that cheerleader had the ready to run.
As he scanned down the line for Mikey, his own platform erupted into clouds of pink smoke, obscuring his vision and filling his nostrils with bubblegum fluff that had to be carcinogenic. He felt a quick pulse of heat, then nude, then just slightly less nude. All his rubber necking caused him to ignore the conversation happening right next to him, only catching Tiffany saying "Like, what I have on now is fine," to the intern with the headset and clipboard a moment after it mattered.
"Hey, what the hell?" Jon pleaded to the intern, "You didn't even ask me!" desperately tugging at the intern's shoulder, feeling his new rungs of bracelets jangle with any quick action, accidentally poking him with his newly manicured nails.
"For one- you weren't even paying attention." The stoic, underpaid intern, acerbically removing Jon's ringed fingers from bodily contact. "And two- it doesn't matter. This event's tie-breaker is age, so even if you didn't agree, Tiffany gets final say."
"And it's not that bad Jon. You actually look pretty good in my jeans. Who knew you had such amazing legs. I'm jealous. I won't even make fun of you for shaving," Tiffany chided.
"I don't shave. Apparently, that counts as matching you. Along with your nails... Couldn't you have picked anything more practical?"
"Well, I feel comfortable in it. And as team captain-"
"You're not team captain. You just decided one vote-"
"As your captain," Tiffany asserted, "I think this works best. Besides, you heard Jack Packy or whatever, getting fans on our side will help us. Like, think of most reality shows, they always find ways to keep around the most interesting ones."
Jon could only manage a defeated sigh. At least there was some logic to Tiffany's madness. Having an attractive, camera ready girl as a partner was vastly preferable to a lot of the other options out there. "Fine. I just wish you would've picked something that didn't ride up so tightly in the crotch."
"Hey, just be happy I didn't wear undies today," Tiffany teased, giving a wink to no one in particular. "The thong I was thinking of would have made things way worse for your little Jonies. Consider yourself lucky."
"Oh, woo-hoo. A 3 in 7 chance worked out in my favor. Remind me to buy a lottery ticket on the way out of here," Jon returned.
"Oh that's gold. Keep an eye on them!" buzzed the radio of a cameraman, pushed right up into Jon's face. The red light was on and he was very much in their personal space... but he just didn't notice being filmed until the two way buzzed.
Have they been that close, filming us this whole time?
The answer was of course, yes, the stone giving this production crew unprecedented access and ability to disappear into the moment.
Jack was back on the microphone, ready to re-take control of his circus. "Okay, I want to thank you all again for signing and agreeing to all terms for this production. We cannot wait to make you household names! And now that you're all looking beautiful in your team uniforms, it's time to get this started! ENVELOPE PLEASE!"
A drumroll accompanied Jack's smooth and practiced opening of the made for TV prop.
"The clue to your first check point is-"
