Despite all the changes, Jon was driving decidedly like a teenager, barely paying attention to the road. He was far too consumed with the creeping and gripping fear of what it meant showing up to his old school like this. His rational mind knew that no one could possibly recognize him, they’d just see another mom pulling up in a beater. Heck, he had his hands on his best friends boobs-- well, technically it was mostly under-boob to make sure her girls were well supported with the cup size he had selected-- but even she couldn’t manage a moment of confusion to make him feel better! All those years spent together she couldn’t even throw him a concerned look, a wondering glance, or have the decency to trip over a couple words! All she saw, all anyone would see, would be Zoe’s mom.
But that was too bitter of a pill to fully swallow for now. So even though this fear of rolling up to the halls he once roamed and being made a laughing stock were totally unfounded and beyond unlikely, that was still a better outcome, in a way, than no one noticing at all.
That didn’t keep his imagine running away with the scene of all his favorite people- Sarah, Biff, Coach Olbermann- lined up, ready for his arrival, pointing and laughing away at his plight. He was so consumed with the fantasies of what Sarah would say, some tease only she could divine that would strike right to the heart of all his insecurities as a teenage boy and middle aged woman, that he rolled right through a stop sign and was awarded with a chorus of honks from the law abiding drivers.
“Jeez Jon! You can slow down! I’m already late so maybe try not to kill us.”
“Sorry! Sorry! I just lost my focus for a second, I’m just a little nervous about going back to school. I know it’s dumb, but I can’t stop feeling like someone’s going to recognize Jon in a bra.”
“No one’s going to recognize you,” Zoe scoffed. "What is there to even recognize? It seems like the stone was pretty darn thorough with all the changes it’s made. You’re actually pretty lucky in that regard, being one of the many, faceless, inconsequential parents that no one’s paying attention to while I have to deal with being a freaking cheerleader and Sarah’s little protegee which means all eyes are constantly going to be on me. Trust me, you have it easy. I would give anything to go back to being a non-factor in the school’s social hierarchy. But if it makes you feel any better, I’ll let you drop me off at the next block so you won’t even have to be seen pulling up.”
“Thanks,” Jon miffed at the backhanded compliment, “I guess.”
"Don't sweat it. You'll actually be saving me a bit of embarrassment."
"Oh yeah?" Jon’s irritation sparked. "You really think being dropped off by your mom is embarrassing? Can't risk that can we? It's not like I would know anything about feeling humiliated."
"Okay, I get it. Just please stop here."
"Or how about getting stuck working a job where I fold bras and panties all day and get asked all sorts of questions about cup sizes and lift and fit I should have no business knowing but have to BS my way through? Is that not humiliating?"
"Actually anywhere is fine, please, just slow down. You’ve made your point"
"Or, oh, I don't know, it might be a little embarrassing that the first naked woman I've ever seen, not only looks like our mom, but is my own freaking reflection! How sexy and amazing is that?! What a dream to have my very own pair of big, saggy, gross freaking boobs! So I think you can deal with a little bit of embarrassment, don't you agree?"
As the car screeched to a halt at the cub, the car jolting to a stop front row and center of Lakepoint High, drawing all sorts of attention to who the crazed driver might be. Zoe tired her best to pop out of the door as quickly as possible, burning red from whatever that confrontation was, rolling her eyes and only adding to Jon’s irritation. He absolutely had to go nuclear to meet her obstinance.
With the car door open, in the loudest, most gushing tone he could muster, Jon announced “Have an amazing day pookie! Mommy loves you so much! Don’t let anyone tease you about not shaving your legs, tell them I’ll come make their bottom cherry red if they do!”
And with all the molten hot sarcasm only teenage girls can deliver, “thanks MOM! I’m sure no one will notice since I’m not nearly as hairy as you!”
It was mutually assured destruction, sure Zoe was mortified and it seemed like half the school took notice, but at the same time, that voice and those phrases and that affinity to be able to embarrass Zoe, about personal grooming of all things, came way too easy.
That just comes from being her brother, knowing how to push her buttons like that. It wasn’t anything else and nothing like how mom and Zoe used to bicker. I might have sounded like mom, but I wasn't teasing her like a mom... I hope.
Beyond that, there was one final concern as Jon drove away. The theatrics had everyone either looking at Zoe or making an effort to look at anyone else but Zoe. Except for one person who’s eyes remained latched as Jon drove away. One person who’s glare Jon immediately recognized and immediately knew his undivided attention would only bring sorrow. One man, who caused Jon to completely lose focus and once again run a stop sign, mouthing soft sorry’s with his plump lips.
For whatever reason, Biff was firmly fixated not on the highschool drama, but Jon and Jon alone.
