Hm, Colaboration stuff is always tricky. But I'll give you my viewpoint. Just my own thoughts as someone who has been at this a while so feel free to disregard it.
I guess it could use a bit more description. I try to think of the five senses when going into a new setting. If you are not using at least two if not three, the scene is incomplete. Of course you are using a dreamscape so this has to be a lot more visual with added strangeness to a mutable environment.
Emotions and feeling become more important too in these kinds of settings. A feeling has to be conveyed as we are taking the perspective of the dreamer. We also have a situation where a person is using another- A stranger no less that simply saw Jon as breeding stock and not a human being in any sense. There are few things more violating then this- depending on how realistic you want it to be of course. Since its a dream people do tend to accept things rather quick and say 'weird dream' when they wake up. That's the advantage of a dreamscape to me.
I think Jon even in a dream would feel more objection. Saying 'not ready yet' implies she will be ready someday, and even if we tossed reality out the window it feels a bit off to me. But I have been trying to let go of my realism bent for the sake of story. Still given her past portrayal of exploring her new body it does go against continuity.
That's my thought on it. I like the idea of a mythological creature seeing an oportunity to use a human to bring back their race. It's very dark and plays upon a great many fears and desires. Drama would tend to come from objection, and finding another resolution.
