Jack sighed. He wasn't going to be a woman. He was going to be a teenage girl. This was getting even worse. When Jack had been in high school, he had marvelled at girls. How could they stand to live in those beautiful, female bodies? He would have a whole life ahead of him to find out.
His heart pounding, he read on.
"STEP THREE -- Choosing your sexual orientation: Although this is something that can change through life and experiences, each body has a preprogrammed tendency.
To be predominantly heterosexual, choose carrots.
To be predominantly homosexual, choose parsley.
To be more or less evenly bisexual, choose cabbage."
"God damned carrots!" Jack swore. He had just been thinking that it might be OK being female if he could be a lesbian. If this pamphlet were true, he would find men attractive.
"No way is this going to work," he thought. "No power, heavenly or hellish, is going to make me find a male attractive."
He read on.
"STEP FOUR -- Choosing your level of physical attractiveness: This is a very touchy step. While most people naturally desire to be good looking, you should resist the urge to overdo the mashed potatoes, especially if you are changing genders. In particular, men becoming women are urged to use discretion -- becoming an exceptionally attractive female is often more than most men can handle.
This is a subjective step. Take as many helpings of mashed potatoes as you dare, being aware that two spoonfuls equates to "average looks" and anything beyond four is likely to push you beyond good-looking into shockingly attractive."
Jack's heart sank as he thought about the huge pile of potatoes he had eagerly scooped onto his plate. He was well on his way to being a gorgeous high school chick way into the dating scene.
Despondent, he flipped quickly through the rest of the pamphlet.
He learned that by choosing only one piece of bread, he would wind up with a single sibling.
By choosing vanilla cake, he destined himself to be a blonde. The blue icing on top dictated his eye color.
The whole thing depressed him. He barely read some portions, not wanting to know what he was in for.
One thing gave him hope. A note in the family section read:
"Be aware that if you died in a single event with other people, there is a high probability that you will return to life as a single family, if your personal selections permit. You will be able to discuss your mutual past with each other, but only when you cannot be overheard by others. Under no circumstances will you be able to describe the experience of reincarnation to anyone who did not die with you in your last life. Any attempts to circumvent this will result in immediate damnation."
Jack might wind up with Jill and Mark in his new family! That cheered him up.
But not for long...
The last straw came when Jack turned to the last page. Intelligence. As if being blonde and female weren't enough, he had made a careless beverage choice as well. By choosing to drink Sprite, he had selected to be of purely average intelligence. According to the pamphlet, he would retain all memories of his past life, but by opting to be less brainy, some things simply would not process in his brain as they used to. He wouldn't be dumb, but he wouldn't be the A- student he'd been as Jack.
"What would that be like?" he wondered. "If I try to do a tough math problem, will it just not work, even though I know the answer? Will my spelling deteriorate? Will I be the dumb blonde everyone talks about..."
As he pondered these questions, he failed to notice that the room had lightened and desolidified around him. He was asleep before he knew it.
