Julian was now 9 months pregnant and she knew, the time was coming.
She had gone through many ups and downs, but even as time ticked away she knew indecision was not going to cut it. She had to make the decision... the choice. She wasn't sure if it was the right choice though. But really, was any choice 'right'? Could she, a pregnant teenager really... have a.. a baby?
A few months ago, the doe girl... got into a fight in school, and was excluded for a term. Given her 'condition' though, the staff were lenient. They knew she was going to be having issues and had her indefinite leave. She would have to take her exams later.
It was the visit from social services though, that really got to Julian. As a pregnant teenager, of course they would be involved. Most of all though, they wanted to know who the father was. Julian explained she could not say, and they said that if she did not then she would not get any money from the father.
Julia rolled her eyes a little at that.
There was a sudden sharp kick from her stomach. Julia paused a moment holding it. She had not really got used to the feeling. She didn't realise just how she would feel knowing that something.. someone was growing inside her.
She suddenly just... started crying. Was it the hormones that were making her so depressed and weak? Lashing out at everyone and everything. She made it a point not to lash out at her mother... who was the only one that knew the truth and believed her. Without her, Julian would have nobody. However her mother was still at work, and she couldn't call her right now to deal with her problems.
Julia couldn't take it any more, and went into the garden at the back of the house. She stared outward at the sky, seeing a little of the moon in the crisp morning sky. "...You win Selene," said Julian in the end. "Okay... I admit it, I'm... I'm not strong enough. I'm not... I can't do this," she whispered honestly. The more she had learned from the classes, the more she hated the idea. The terrible fear of the pain alone... as they went into it in every sordid detail... and worse, that this... 'thing' she was responsible for... "I can't do it, I can't... I can't!" she shouted to the heavens.
There was no answer.
Julia didn't know what to do now. She had tried to put a brave face... this... was so hard though. It was so hard! Could she even love the baby? She only wanted it because...
"...It is all I have left of when I was a god," she whispered to herself wincing.
How... pathetic. Julia sat down on a chair, realising now how pitiable and pathetic such thoughts were. The doe girl- when she had been a wolf, believed in irrepressible freedom, and here she was thinking of 'owning' a piece of herself... if this baby really was a part of her old form, then it had to be free, right? It had to relish in that freedom. But... what if... that freedom turned against her? What if the baby decided to harm it's 'mother' (A weird word to Julian and one she wasn't sure she could use.)
"Would you have?"
Would she have what? Harmed her own mother? Julia swallowed. No... of course not.
"What about survival of the fittest? Wouldn't the young naturally do so?"
Julian shuddered. No... He- she was not a killer. There was a line... she killed animals for sport, and she would steel things nobody was using... an opportunist, not a killer. Even when she was using her godly power against Lilly, she certainly wasn't going to 'kill' her, she wanted her to serve he just as she had before. Because, that was the way the gods worked right? Use the power or lose it..
"You still lost it though"
Julia had to agree to that. The young doe pressed her stomach feeling that strange flutter again. She had gone through a little sickness, but otherwise she had handled things without too much difficulty. She was glad of that. There were not major issues, just the tenderness of her breasts which were getting sore each day.
The question was now... what could she do? So late at the stage... She had admitted she couldn't do it... so then what? Let someone else... was that even possible? It was an offer nobody else had been given before, why not just do that? Just admit that... that...
"I... I'm afraid," she whispered crying to herself. "I'm afraid... I'm afraid..." Julian went back into the empty house, not really knowing what to do now. She wasn't just afraid. She was terrified! She... laid down on her bed, and just started hyperventilating as the crushing realisation of fear dawned upon her. A fear she had held back every single day for the last 9 months. Right now, every barrier was breaking, and it came out as tears and gasps of air.
Hikari (Hiro, when on the internet) had started to really enjoy this strange duel existence. While on the net, she loaned her physical form to a digital fairy to experience the real world as she experienced the digital world. She had learned much of why she was this way... a girl form on the internet, while a male form in the 'real' world. It had to do with parallel processing essentially. There were two distinct 'wires' the brain could have... and biologically that tended to be male, or female... but the two configurations could exist simultaneously- and essentially, that is what Hikari and Hiro were. Someone with shared memories, experiences, but a distinctly different personae... though intertwined such that they could never go against each other. Going back and forth might seem a little strange, but Hiro and Hikari did so with ease.
Hikari had made many digital friends on the internet, learning about them all and ended up being an assistant to the Amiga fairy, Amy. Because Hiro could create programs from thought (and most thought of Hiro as Hikari's host) the two worked to create many wonderful programs on the internet, for digital fairies to interact with. Slowly the digital world was becoming more familiar, as roads were made... villages, data-mining industries crafted... and small towns and backup towns... it was all quite innovative, and Hikari had a hand in a great deal of it adding her own personal touch to the dwellings and net-scape.
The work was very rewarding to Hikari and she felt... happy.
The strange pesudo-digital fairy was rather lonely though. Her duel nature made her shun anything more then friendship... she convinced herself that even as much as she appeared female on the internet, it still wasn't as... 'real' as what the true digital fairies had. This world was 'less real' then the real world to her, even if the real world was less real to the net-izens. It would also be unfair to Hiro, and anyone he might interact with. Hikari didn't mind... it was a consequence of their nature, and she was glad to just be allowed to exist in this form, to see and talk to everyone. There was so much freedom to enjoy here... just not... love?
feeling a little braver, Hikari had even got in contact with Lilly on her computer, introducing her to that Wii fairy Nadine. Hikari over heard a little about how she had to fight an old friend of theirs that was a wolf. A wolf that Hikari knew had to be Julian.
It was a little strange to be a stranger to Lilly. She didn't quite feel brave enough to say she was really Hiro... and yet 'not'... though she knew she would have to come clean with it eventually. Besides their interaction was strictly virtual on the internet. They got on well enough, and she would help her a little with homework... though Lilly was still a young child compared to Hikari. She had grown a lot in the last six months though. She even noticed 'magic icons' around LIlly's computer... (though was wary enough not to go anywhere near that.)
On an experiment Hikari had attempted to see what would happen if she became younger...after the result, she decided to never do that again. Coding youth was easy, it had a 60% compatibility ratio to her actualisation systems. But When she became young, she lost access to some vital understanding of her systems, to the point where she couldn't become older. It took Amy to restore her from a backup tool, and was a very awkward day for the two of them.
Hikari was currently in what was becoming her favourite avatar. An electric blue haired girl. Her hair was a little long down her back and framed her features. her eyes were bright blue, shimmering in virtual code. She was wearing a white robe that showed 'just a little' of her legs and bare feet, with modest sized breasts. Clothes were a little tricky to code for, because there was always a 'subconscious' idea of what the 'girl' should be wearing... and given Hiro created code from thought... she tended to be stuck with what she had. At least Hiro didn't imagine her naked- though he couldn't do something Hikari would have strong objections to.
Hikari decided to check up on Julian... mostly after what Lilly had told her. She weighed up the possibilities of how to do this, if to do so in Real Life, or... on the internet. She knew her old 'associate' was a loose canon, and didn't really know what had happened to him or what trouble he might be causing. It was as if he had dropped off the face of the earth. Yet she noticed that his accounts were still working and he must now live at home. (Weird indeed) It didn't take long to piece together that Julian was now Julia...
Hikari thought it best to.. leave her be... until he heard the sound of Julia crying. She must be near her computer. Hikari knew Hiro wouldn't really want anything to do with Julian now... but in the end, she knew she couldn't ignore the wail of tears.
"Hello?" She called appearing on the computer.
"Who the heck are you!" Shouted Julian. "What the- did social services send you?!"
Hikari blinked. "No... I heard... I was passing by this internet node, and... heard you crying."
"God! Do I have to turn off the computer to get a little privacy now?!" Julia said angrily. "Get out of my computer before I unplug it and shut you off."
Hikari blinked. Such a threat didn't really apply to digital life forms now. They knew how to get out well before anyone in the real world could 'turn them off'... usually. "You... seem to be really upset. You okay?"
Julia didn't know who this stranger was, but having anyone right now was good. "No! I'm having a.. a baby okay?!"
Hikari glanced down at Julia's bulge. "I... I see," she said. Okay... this was starting to get really weird. No wonder Julian dropped off the face of the earth. "How... did that happen?"
"Magic," scoffed Julia not expecting to be believed.
"Must have been some spell," Thought the pesudo-digital fairy. "Oh.. I'm... I'm Hikari."
"Julia," said the doe girl sighing. She had used the name so long.. why not just 'accept' it... just another thing to accept.
"What... are you going to do?" Hikari pressed, leaning onto the desktop of the computer, pressing her hands on the screen. Hikari just felt like she... she had to hug Julian. The girl was so upset... (this was again probably going to be really awkward for Hiro later.)
"I don't know... I... I'm afraid" said Julia sitting by her computer, and resting her head on the keyboard. She wanted to hide away from the world. Forget everything right now.
"It's normal to be afraid," said Hikari. "Your mother is helping you though right?"
"Yeah... I get a lot of 'help'," she said annoyed. "I'm being treated like I'm ill!"
Hikari wasn't sure what to say to that.
Julia started to cry again "I got no friends, no future... everyone hates me, even God hates me!" (Or certainly at least, 'one' god... the moon she had loved and adored so much, that saw fit to do this to her.)
Hikari looked sympathetically. "Julia... please calm down," she whispered. "I'm sure God wouldn't hate you, okay? And... you do have a future. Your baby needs a future... whatever you do, you have to do it for him, or her... right?" Hikari bit her lip.
"I can't! I don't even know what to do any more or what I'm doing now! I was put in a body that isn't even mine! I wanted to make something new in the world... I didn't want to... to... do this! The pain..." the god awful pain that awaited her. She read so much about it now, and it was magnified every time she read about it. Looking at how big her belly was, she wasn't even sure how her body could manage to get it out!
Hikari looked sadly. "I wish I knew what to say," she said. "But... I know you are very strong Julia..." Just that her strength was never directed in the right way before. "You could give the child your strength..."
"Strong... not strong enough. Not for this... not... this," Julia said crying still.
"You.. you are Julia," said Hikari. "I know you are."
"God why... why..." cried Julia again. "Why God- G-oddess did you do this to me," she said, throwing a pair of antlers against the wall. She hated so much... she hated everything! Even being reminded she was once a man she hated!
Hikari looked sadly. "Did you have a choice?"
Julia looked annoyed. "Choice... yeah... I had choice." Julia then looked at Hikari thoughtfully. "I still do have one choice... you want to have the baby instead of me? 'cause I can probably ask that. I can make it happen." she said with a little edge on her voice.
Hikari cringed. "I- well- I don't see how that is possible..." In more ways then one, thought the pesudo-digital fairy. Then again, Julia did say this was the result of magic. So anything was possible.
Julia shook her head. "Damn hormones... I... I don't know what to do."
Hikari sighed. She was just a teenager too. She didn't really know what to say to help Julia, or even if it was any of her business. but fate had put them together again... and as much as she hated what Julian did, even she needed some encouragement. "When you have the baby... will you love the child?"
Julia looked taken aback. "I- I- y-yes," she said. "... I.. I did want a family, When I used to be a wolf... I wanted my own pack..."
"So... why not just have the child, love her... and be happy?" asked Hikari. "You sound like this situation was 'dropped' into you, and I don't really know the circumstances behind it... but if you have a choice... why not just be happy with what you have? I made the best of.. my own situation," she said thinking.
"I want.. to be happy. But- I'm afraid... of change," said Julia.
"We all are... and... you will change a lot Julia- I- I'm sure." said Hikari. "Look... they got lots of ways of dealing with the pain of having a child now... and doctors have lots of experience on this. Your chances are actually quite good that things will go normally... and if they don't, they will be there to safeguard your life... you have to rely on them..."
"I.. don't like relying on other people," said Julia automatically.
Hikari sighed. "I know... but you have to trust them. Really... that's all you have to do. They are there to help you..." the pseudo-digital fairy tried her best to offer empathy.
Julia sniffled a bit. "T-thanks... I... just... I'll be fine," she said in the end. She just wanted to be alone now though. This was so hard on her.
Hikari sighed as she left Julia's computer. This was probably going to be a very strange day when she got back to being Hiro again.
