Andy sat in the break room at her workplace, quietly munching on a sandwich and thinking about the events of the morning. It had started with her going into work early to talk to her boss about the fact that she was pregnant. She'd been worried that it was going to cause some kind of trouble, but in fact he'd been perfectly supportive, if far too bemused about the whole affair. Sheez...just because she enjoyed sex, and the natural result had come about from it...but it was okay, she supposed. He wasn't being crass about it or anything, he was just...bemused. He seemed like the kind of man who finds most of life to be a kind of extended, rambling joke; probably this was just the latest twist in it. Honestly, she found it a little funny herself, when she thought about it...
And anyway, he'd been accomodating enough that she couldn't really feel bothered by it at all. What they'd settled on was that she would stay on full-time at least through the project she'd been hired for - that wasn't going to take more than a month, so there shouldn't be a problem with it in any case. After that, she'd continue working as she could until she found that her pregnancy was getting in the way of her work (if she did - she wasn't really sure. Her job wasn't especially physically demanding, but it was work, and she recalled Sue having been pretty exhausted at times.) What was more, he'd offered to waive the minimum employment time to qualify for maternity leave, which would give her a few months after the birth to care for the baby until she could leave it with Sue.
She smiled to herself; the man was something of a crusty old fart, but evidently a gentleman underneath it all. And she figured she could probably come in periodically for specialized work during her leave, at least - it seemed only fair, and anyway she didn't want to get out of practice; she was still getting back into practice.
But she was still concerned about whatever it was that had happened that morning. With the whole town being shrouded in darkness - a deeply unsettling darkness, inexplicable, without warning, and without even any obvious cause...she'd heard vague reports of weird things happening out in the suburbs, but nothing definite. And in a neighborhood a good ways from her own house, at least - she'd been relieved to hear that. And then it was gone, just like that. Gone like it'd never happened, without any aftereffects or anything...still, though, she had to wonder...what kind of world was her baby going to be born into?
Her baby. For all that she and Sue had talked about it in trying to hash out a plan to deal with this, for all that she'd mentally rehearsed the conversation before coming in this morning...it was still such a profoundly alien idea to her, and yet an idea that she knew, in some gut-level id-response way, was natural, concrete reality. My baby. The one she carried inside her, that she would give birth to and be a mother to...what would it look like? Was it going to be a boy, or a girl? Would...would she just bond to it, just like that, or...?
She let out a deep breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding. This was all so strange, so unfamiliar...but it was her life now, and she would adjust. In some ways she already had been. She placed a hand on her stomach - it would be a while yet, as she understood, before it would really start to show, or she'd be able to feel it, but...but...there were just no words for it, even in her thoughts. She held her hand there for a while, nibbling at the sandwich as she finished out her break.
Jon arrived at the Gordons' house in the early afternoon. She was thankful school had been cancelled on account of the "phenomena;" this was too important to put off, so it was good that she didn't have to miss class for it. She was a little worried that she'd have to spill her secret in front of Lilly's parents, but she spotted the squirrel-girl peeking out of her tree fort at her and made her way over.
Lilly met her halfway, poised on one of the lower branches in a way that almost made her look more like a natural squirrel that had been gifted with intelligence than a human transformed into an anthropomorph, except for her size and clothing. She looked Jon over warily.
"I...I came to talk about...what you found out," Jon said. "...If you want to, that is."
"Is...'s it true?" Lilly asked. "Did'ja really...make the Sun change?"
The slug-girl nodded.
"Why?" Lilly honestly wasn't sure what kind of answer she was expecting, or what her reaction could possibly be to it. She just...she wanted to know. Why had all of this happened?
Jon blushed, staring sheepishly at the ground. "It...was an accident," she said. "I..." She paused, wondering how she should approach this, but...what the heck. It wasn't as if Lilly didn't already know the lion's share of her secret. "I have a magic stone that I got from my grandfather," she said. "It grants wishes. And I'd...I'd just gotten it, and I was bored and didn't know what I was doing, and...I wished for something interesting to happen." She paused, trying by force of habit to shuffle her feet, which she no longer had, as she stared at her shoes, which weren't there. "...and this is what I got," she said, with a half-chuckle. She looked up at Lilly. "I never meant for any of this to happen," she said. "Especially not to drag anybody else into it, let alone the whole world..."
"The tree-guy thinks it was God," Lilly said, half to herself. "But I dunno how that makes sense...he's nice, why'd he hafta get stuck like that? An'...I dunno why anybody else got what happened to 'em..."
Jon blinked. "'Tree-guy?' You mean the guy out behind the old church?" She tried to remember his name, but she wasn't too good with names.
Lilly nodded. "Yah, him. Lucas...took me t' talk with him..."
The slug-girl shrugged. "I don't know," she said. "I don't know if there's an...an intelligence to it, or anything." Sometimes it almost seemed that there was; Haru taking on a form she felt more comfortable in, Sarah who'd always worked to be a center of attention becoming a flashy-plumed harpy...but then there were so many that didn't seem to make a comparable amount of sense...not least her own change. "But...well, when I talked to him, he didn't seem to think of his change as a punishment or anything."
Lilly stared at her. "But...but he's stuck in one place alla time!" she said. She couldn't imagine not being able to run and climb...
Jon nodded. "I don't get it either," she said. "I dunno. He's an old guy, maybe he just likes the peace and quiet. It's probably easier than pastoring. But that's what I got from him." She sighed. "But...I'm really sorry if...if you feel that way. I'm...trying to figure out how to set this right, just as soon as I can..."
Lilly was taken aback by the question. Did she see this as...as a punishment? As a bad thing, something to be fixed? "I...I d-dunno," she said, quietly. She thought back to that morning and shuddered. "I...I thought I wanted ta go back to being the old me...I thought that was gonna make me happy. But..." She sighed. "When I...when I was him again, f'r a li'l bit, 'cause the Enemy was doin' it...I wasn't happy a'all. An'..." She hesitated. "...an' I wasn't really happy when I was him before, neither..." It hurt a little to admit it, but it was true - when she'd been Billy, under Julian's thumb...it hadn't really made him happy, even though he'd pretended to enjoy being a part of the gang...
"...I dunno," she mused. "This's all so weird, an' I dunno how to do so much stuff 'bout bein' a girl an' I hafta do school again an' 'm too short 'n stuff, but..." She took a deep breath. "...I...think 'm happier...this way..."
It was a big admission. She'd...she'd already resigned herself to spending her life like this before now, and...and there had been parts of the idea she liked, but to actually admit this in so many words...
Jon brightened. "I...I'm glad for you," she said.
Lilly nodded. "I jus'...wish I could be...magic, 's all," she said. "I...for a li'l bit I was, today, but..." She sighed. "...I hadda give it up...'cause someone was dyin' an' it was th' only way I could help..."
Jon stared at her in surprise. "That...that was a big sacrifice," she said. "You...I...I'm proud...of you, Lilly." This little girl obviously wanted it so much, but gave it up... "But...you can still learn," she said. "We'll still teach you."
Lilly brightened a little bit. She'd kind of forgotten about Jon's magic in the rush...when she had not just been able to use magic, but had been magical...but if she could still learn...then she frowned. "Uh, um...Jon...?" she said. "I...um, when I was...magic, I...I got really mad at someone, an'...I dunno, I...I kinda...went crazy...I wanted to...hurt 'em...I didn't, but...I wanted ta..." She hated to admit it - would Jon really teach her, even if she could go crazy and start to abuse whatever power she got? But...it felt like something she should tell her teacher...even though it might cost her her chance at magic...
The slug-girl looked a little surprised, but shrugged and looked sheepish. "I...to be honest," she said, "I...almost went a little crazy myself, when I first figured out how to do magic."
Lilly stared at her. "R-really?"
Jon nodded. "It's...I don't know. I think it's just the rush that comes when you feel power for the first time. I...I think it might just be something you have to get used to, learn to control. But...well, whatever you felt like doing, you didn't. I know how that is. It's just part of being human, probably."
She frowned. "Well, being people, I mean."
The lunar regolith has been formed by several billion years of perpetual assault on the underlying rock by everything from solar wind to meteorites, grinding it into powder of varying degrees of coarseness from small chunks to fine dust. It is, therefore, in no particular danger from any kind of beating a person can dish out on it; even a person with a supernatural weapon would be a small force by comparison. Which was good, because at the moment a particularly frustrated angel was hacking angrily at the dirt with her definitely supernatural sword. It was pointless, and it didn't really make her feel that much better, but it was at least as good as sitting around doing nothing.
Lucas was distracted from this less-than-usually metaphorical time-killing when she sensed Selene's presence. In her trafficking with the gods, she was beginning to notice that each of them was preceded by this kind of sense, as if their very nature were a sort of herald to them. She sheathed her sword and turned to meet the moon-goddess, feeling a little embarassed to be caught lashing out.
"The soil's already fine enough, Lucas," Selene said. "Doesn't really need to be diced any further."
Lucas paused, suddenly very aware that Selene was the Moon. "Oh! Very sorry! I can fix it..."
Selene shook her head. "Oh, I'm not particularly bothered by it," she said. "I've been putting up with worse than this since the formation of the solar system; I can take it. I'm a little concerned about you, though. Upset?"
"Gee, was it obvious?" Lucas said sarcastically. "The Enemy have run off to their hidey-hole again, the Numbers were seriously in danger because the Enemy's figured out how to exploit people, and not just assholes like Julian...who even knows who they'll try to corrupt next? And the Numbers will have to go in yet again...it...it's just not right. It can't be right. Why is the entire burden of all this resting on...on children, Neruite? They shouldn't have to face something like this...kids aren't meant for that..."
The goddess walked over and sat down next to her, and Lucas joined her on the ground. "They were meant for exactly what they've been doing, Lucas," she said. "From the time they were born, from before that, they were meant for this. Part of the problem here is that you're looking at this through the lens of some honestly loathsome tragedies in human history that are superficially similar. But not the same; not at all. Tell me, what is it, exactly, that they're doing?"
Lucas frowned; she couldn't see this conversation doing much to change her view of the situation. She'd heard about Fate before, and-
"Yes, you have. But Fate isn't the same thing as destiny."
"I'm glad only the people I really trust can read my mind," Lucas muttered. "Can you explain to me what the difference is?"
Selene smiled slightly. "It's the difference between someone telling you that at this time next year you'll be in Panama because they've decided you should go there and secretly mortgaged your house to buy you one in Panama, and someone telling you that at this time next year you'll be in Panama because they know that all along you've been planning to take a vacation there in a year."
Lucas blinked in confusion. "So destiny is just a name for a point in your life you haven't arrived at yet? And I don't think anybody involved was ever planning on something like this..."
"Well, not just any point. A landmark in your future. And no, very few people ever consciously plan for their destiny. Mortals live their lives like a jam session - constantly reassessing as they go and improvising the next step according to a loose set of rules. But the fact that they weren't planned doesn't make the good parts any less the reason for the whole thing, in retrospect. Now, back to the question: what is it that the Numbers are doing, that it has you so upset?"
Lucas sighed, laid back on the regolith, and thought about it. What were they doing? "Having...having to confront these things, this...this nothing...having to face it themselves, having to...to seed it, to build it into the beginnings of something, at their own peril...building..."
"What's conspicuously absent from that list, Lucas?"
She thought about it. "...killing. Violence. They banish constructs, but they don't kill people, or even...quasi-people... Hell, even fighting as a whole...they haven't done all that much of it, for what they're up against. Even though they have weapons..."
Selene nodded. "Those weapons are for self-defense, primarily. And even then, they're not necessarily lethal. Jenny was able to use hers to send an interloping shadow-creature back where it belonged, without harming it at all."
Lucas frowned. "Are you telling me that they're not going to have to...to wage war?"
"Not in the way you're thinking of it, no. You said it yourself: they're rebuilding the Enemy, giving it a chance to become what it ought to have been all along. In this day and age, there is nobody that can do that as well as a little girl: resilient enough to face things that would terrify an adult and only be scared in a small way, soft-hearted enough to have honest, armor-piercing sympathy for even an actively nihilistic nonentity, open-minded and imaginative enough to give just the most basic idea of structure to it without imposing their own preconceptions. It's very difficult to find adults like that, nowadays."
Lucas blinked. "Then...do you mean it wasn't always like this? That it didn't used to be children?"
Selene smiled. "It was never 'always like this,'" she said. "Nothing ever truly repeats, even when history cycles through a familiar passage. There's always new themes, new aspects, things that never looked quite this way before. In previous instances, the players spoke Sanskrit, or Akkadian, or languages whose names were never even written down because writing had yet to be invented. They've been medieval European scholars, ancient Chinese merchants, Ice Age hunter-gatherers crossing Beringia into the Americas. Anywhere the Enemy makes its incursions, an opposing force is raised up to drive it back, and in driving it back, to strike against that which makes it the Enemy. There was a time when the invasion was driven back by dinosaurs. There was a time, before anything you know as 'time,' when we ourselves did battle with it. So yes, this is a first. They all are."
Lucas smiled, a little enthralled by the prospect, then frowned. "And...in all those times, they've never been truly defeated? They keep coming back? Is...is it just one of those fundamental things? That can't be right..."
The moon-goddess shook her head. "It isn't. The defining aspect of the Enemy is their wrongness. But they've never been defeated, just driven back. The guardians strike at that which makes them the Enemy, but that's not their primary purpose. It's not something they are really very able to do. And so the cycle continues, time and again..."
Lucas frowned. "But...there has to be a way...it can't just go on like that forever...there has to be a way..."
"There is." It wasn't Selene that spoke - the voice and the presence were new. Lucas found herself getting to her feet almost on autopilot, standing straighter than usual. The speaker was the Man: Mars. She didn't need to be told to understand that, any more than she could mistake Venus for anybody but the fundamental Woman.
Lucas knew better than to see Mars as "evil;" while, in RPGs, most gods of war WERE, in fact, evil, she knew enough of mythology to remember that Mars, for instance, was not generally depicted as bloodthirsty, and enough of the gods as they actually were to guess that the depictions of Ares that way might have more to do with the views of whoever was telling. All the same, she had a deep-seated distrust of military types, though she had vowed to herself that she'd make efforts not to let her distrust show if she ever were to talk to Him.
Yet...she didn't feel distrust at all when she saw Him. He looked like the ideal soldier: dignified, not bloodthirsty - dangerous, certainly, but not bloodthirsty - like the sort of person who would be equally suited as statesman or general. August, she thought, was the right word. Lucas was no less a lesbian than at any time since her change, but looking at Him she thought she could understand a little better what straight women saw in men.
She felt his nature.
Honorable. Loyal, yes, but not blindly obedient at the expense of morality. Fighting to defend a cause, not to gain power - and one who would relinquish power when it was no longer needed. Cincinnatus, she thought. I thought he would be Lawful Neutral. I was wrong. Lawful Good. The god of the heroes, not the tyrants. In a way, a sharper contrast to the tyrrany which she hated than her own chaotic anarchy...
"I was getting to that," Selene said as she got to her feet, sounding just slightly miffed. Lucas had never seen this kind of reaction between gods before, and wondered whether there was some context in their past that she was missing, or whether it was their natures - wildness and lunacy versus secured order - that were to blame. But they kept it civil and within the bounds of politeness, in any case - she wasn't even sure whether there was any real ill will between them, or if it was more of a semi-friendly rivalry.
"There is, as he says, a way," Selene said. "That's one of the other points you were mistaken on - nobody ever said the Numbers had to bear this burden alone. You know perfectly well from experience that they're not the only ones who can fight the Enemy - just the ones who can rebuild it."
Lucas's jaw slowly dropped. "You mean...are you telling me that I can...?"
"You have a sword, do you not?" Mars asked. "The sword - Excalibur - at that. And now that they have driven the Enemy back, there will never be a better chance to strike - not in your lifetime."
"But...strike at what?" Lucas asked. For the moment, the sheer stupendousness of the suggestion took a backseat to the mere details that she didn't quite grasp yet. "I already tried defining them...they didn't like it, but it didn't come close to final defeat, obviously."
"Because that's not your job, is it?" Selene said. "That's what the Numbers are for. What you have a chance to do is what the guardians only ever manage indirectly: to strike at the heart of the matter, at what makes the Enemy the Enemy."
"And what is that?" Lucas asked. "Did I miss it? I don't remember us ever going over that..."
"As I said, we were getting to it," Selene said. She took a deep breath, then sighed. "Why would an entity of potential, that holds the possibility of meaning, of purpose, choose to be nothing, Lucas? Why would it forsake the entire reason for its existence and the only way in which it can realize its own value? There are two reasons: one, that something has made it afraid to do so. Two, that it has rejected its purpose, and seeks to prevent other such entities of potential from fulfilling theirs."
Lucas was beginning to get a nagging feeling of familiarity. "Go on," she said.
"Picture," Mars said, "the jealous old woman, as seen in so many stories. The one who has wasted her youth in withholding everything she had to give, in the vain hope that she could get more than its worth by increasing its rarity - in the belief that she was entitled to more than its worth simply because that was what she wanted. Who, having thrown away her youth, and with it its beauty, now looks with jealousy and hatred on all the younger women who haven't yet come to that stage in life, who still have the chance to make something of it. Whose only thought now is to tear down everyone who still has the opportunity that she squandered, out of sheer spite - by trying to teach them to do as she did, by telling them: watch out! Those who say they would help you to be more than you are are actually trying to trick you! You'll never be half of what you could be if you do things their way! Ignore them, and listen to me! Picture that."
"I think I've heard this story before," Lucas said. "Eden?"
Selene shrugged. "To answer that in any way that you consider definitive would be to give you a wrong idea of it," she said. "You've seen with your own eyes that history both is and isn't how most people think it is. But the analogy is a good one. The insane jealousy that tries to destroy everything it once desired for itself simply because it can't be the one calling the shots, that tries to lead everything and everyone into suffering what it has inflicted on itself - that's a very, very good picture of what we're getting at. The thing that keeps a frighteningly large part of the outer universe under its sway by telling it that to gain existence is to lose some kind of nebulous, theoretical freedom, that deceives these possibilities into believing that true freedom is to retreat further under its control, further into being one with itself, is exactly what lies at the heart of this."
Lucas cracked a smile. "So...it might not be the Devil, but you could say it's a devil," she said. "'Zat mean I get to storm Hell?"
"Be careful with that kind of talk," Selene said, suddenly looking more stern than usual. "Going into an area of nebulous reality with an attitude like that could bring you closer to it than you'd ever want."
"But at the same time," Mars said, "bear this in mind: that that is close to true, in the sense that you would be up against something that is as fully a force, in its own raging destructivism, as we are - moreso, in fact, since it long ago purged everything from itself that resembled what it had rejected, anything that you could call a person. Even its intelligence is only a kind of weapon. It is fully and purely its own nature of sullen, jealous self-exile and hatred in a way that no mortal can ever be."
Lucas found herself smiling again - grinning, broadly. "Are you...are you telling me...that I finally have a target...that unambiguously deserves anything and everything I can throw at it? That I have an excuse to go all-out, if only this once?"
"It deserves more than that, for the aeons it has worked its evil," Mars said. "But yes: you are acting from the right reasons, against something that harbors no last remnant of good or meaning or purpose. There is no such thing as too far."
Lucas paused. "...am I acting from the right reasons?" she asked. "Even...if a big part of this is...that I want to? That I want an excuse to see what I can do?" The idea she'd had before, that she might get lost in her role, might lose sight of any semblance of moderation, might become corrupted even in trying to fight corruption, came back to her...she didn't want that to happen, she didn't want to become mad with her own power...but why did she have it, if there was no right reason to use it?
The Man put his hand on her shoulder, gripping it firmly. She looked Him squarely in the eye. "You live in this world," He said, "for a short time, so you fully understand the precious value of life, of meaning, of purpose, of goodness, of real freedom. You treasure these things deeply, as well you should. Why should you not want to act against this thing that has threatened your world, and these things in it, time and again over the course of history? Why should you not find joy in the very idea? You have thought of me as the god of war. I am the god of all righteous struggle - and no unrighteous strife. Trust me, Lucas, warrior-angel: you are acting from the right reasons. I would not be here if you weren't."
There was a long pause as Lucas processed the idea. First she was stunned; then, she began to be giddy. The idea - the very idea! - that she could do this, that she could strike at the heart of this, at the thing that was responsible for every danger that she feared the Numbers would be in, that had so cruelly used Melanie, that had tried to exploit Lilly's dreams and destroy Time itself to get at them, the idea that she could stab that fucker right in wherever its heart should've been - was overwhelming.
The thought came - was it possible...that she could banish Evil, with a capital E? ...maybe not. After all, Selene didn't want her to get that idea of it...and if Creation extended so much further up, who was to say that this wasn't just the filtering down of some greater Evil into this level of reality? No, she probably couldn't. She grinned all the same; she'd just have to be content with a smaller impossibility, then. She was only mortal.
All the same...what if she couldn't? If she went up against something like this, and failed...she had at least enough self-awareness to know that she maybe struggled a teensy bit with hubris - certainly having almost broken all of reality playing tourist in the Outer Realm had made that clear...she looked to Selene. "N-Neruite," she said, "if...if I can't...?"
The moon-goddess sighed. "The danger is very real," she said. "I'm not going to lie to you about that. But you do wield the sword of swords, and you will have our blessing in this. And I'm sure He'll say something like 'it would be a noble death,' but I'm a mother - I don't even want to entertain the thought. But...it is your choice, Lucas."
Lucas thought about it for a while. It would be glorious...but she wasn't sure glory would be all that much of a consolation, if she never got back to Cass. It would be a good thing, for sure - a damn good thing. That was probably reason enough, wasn't it? Certainly part of her still wanted to do it, still felt that itching to finally do what this body seemed made for...
Another thought occurred to her. "Neruite?" she asked. "When you were talking about destiny...is...is this the reason I was born?"
Selene smiled. "Every good thing you've ever done is the reason you were born, Lucas," she said. "And a healthy number of the mere simple pleasures, to boot. But this is certainly up there."
