Lilly stared at the paper. She looked nervously up at Miss Violet. She stared back at the paper. She swished her tails nervously. The seconds seem to drag out into infinity, and at the same time to be ticking away much, much faster than they should; even though she knew there was no time limit, it felt like the longer she delayed, the more her knowledge deserted her. She couldn't think, she couldn't think! It wasn't fair, she couldn't concentrate like this, she was at an unfair disadvantage. She'd only be evening her odds if...if she went back, and she got the answers, and...and...well, it wouldn't be like she was copying them, she'd have to remember them herself, right? So it wouldn't be...and she had to! She had to do well on this if she was going to stay with Jenny and Artemis, she had to stay with them so she could learn magic...
Is that all they are to you?
She bit her lip, her extended incisors reaching down to the top of her jaw, and found herself actually considering the question. Was that all they were to her? Just...just means to learn magic of her own? No, of course not! They were...they were her friends! Well, Jenny was her friend, and she was trying to make friends with Artemis. But...she had to learn magic if they were gonna be friends, right? Otherwise they'd be...they'd be the cool ones, and she'd just be...a squirrel-girl. They'd laugh at her, they'd make her prove herself to them, like...like Julian did...
Are they really that cruel?
No! She almost snapped it out loud, but caught herself. They were nice people, they weren't like that! But...but how could they not know that they were cooler than she was? If someone could use magic, real magic, wouldn't that mean that they were automatically cooler than the people that couldn't? She...she just wanted them to respect her...she didn't want to have the kind of friends she'd used to have, who'd treat you badly for not being cool...if she could learn to be cool on her own, then they could never feel that way about her, right?
But would they really be your friends if they felt that way about you?
Would they? She honestly didn't know. If...if they would treat her badly for not being as cool as them, they wouldn't be nice people, would they? And if they weren't, would she want them as friends? But...but if they didn't think she was cool, how could they be friends, then? If she thought about it like that, it didn't make any sense for them to ever have been...Jenny was a magical girl from the day she met Lilly, why would she have made friends with her? Lilly had even been...been acting like...kind of a brat...
She cringed a little as she remembered it; it all seemed so stupid now, but at the time...she had just been trying to forcibly assert herself, to stake her own claim, like...like Julian would do...had she learned everything about being friends from Julian? He was a jerk! But knowing that didn't explain anything, it just made his ideas make less sense. She was still left with the question: why would someone want to be friends with her? She was just a little girl, now...she forgot things she used to know, she couldn't get along with people all the time, she looked silly, she acted weird when her squirrel instincts influenced her...why?
Why does Stacy like you?
'Cause she was Stacy's big brother, duh! That was a silly question...
But you're not anymore, are you?
Well...well, not if she thought about it like that...
But you're not exactly a little sister, either.
No...she wasn't really one thing or the other anymore...even when she tried to be, she was still kind of confused...
Isn't it possible for someone to like you just because they like you?
But...well, maybe, but she just wasn't all that special...
That's not what Mom and Dad think.
No...no, it wasn't. She thought about her mother, who'd been so kind and gentle and supportive while she was scared and confused by her change...when she'd first changed, when she'd forgotten her old name...and her dad, who spent so much time and worked so hard trying to find ways to help her, and who came and slept in her room just because he was worried about her falling out of her tree...she depended far more on them than on her friends, and she offered less in return for it, and she had even less chance of asserting herself against them if she were to try it...but they loved her like anything, they really did. Not for anything she could do...just because.
If they can love you just because, why can't your friends?
She...well, because...because...
...she couldn't think of a reason. Maybe...maybe she didn't have to prove herself to them...
But she did want to learn magic, and she did want to be in Jenny and Artemis's class...
Then you'd better get working, hadn't you?
Lilly stifled a gasp as she realized she'd been sitting there thinking and not doing any of the test work. Panicking a little, she started to rush through the questions, but she couldn't concentrate at all like that, and she knew it. She was forced by sheer inability to slow down and begin working through the questions at a more reasonable pace.
It took a lot longer than she felt like it should have, and most of the class had finished well before her, but she wasn't the last student to finish, either - there were a couple others who took longer, though she couldn't tell if they were having trouble or if they were just slow. She felt upset, like she was going to be sick - she didn't know how she did, but it didn't feel like she did well. So many questions she didn't understand, or wasn't sure she was doing right...it was useless, there was no way she'd get into Jenny and Artemis's class...there was just no way...
Since it wasn't a regular school day, the test papers got divided out among several available teachers for grading, and they kept the students there, calling them off one by one to discuss the results. Lilly was on tenterhooks for the first ten minutes, then began to get bored, and wound up doodling on a piece of scratch paper. She didn't pay a whole lot of attention to what was going on around her, except when she saw Miss Violet stop and talk with one of the other teachers, who'd called Jenny away not too long before. Finally, after what seemed like forever, she heard Miss Violet call her name, and jerked upright, stepping nervously out of her seat and following the elven woman into a little office down the hall. Lilly couldn't help but be amazed by the principal's grace and fluidity of motion - if she didn't know that Miss Violet used to be a boy, she never would have guessed.
Somewhat to her surprise, Miss Violet ignored the desk in the office and sat on the little bench against one wall. "Have a seat," she said, motioning Lilly to sit opposite her. Lilly did. This was it - this was where she'd learn how she did. This was...was where she'd be told that she wasn't going to get to be in Jenny and Artemis's class, that she wasn't good enough, that she'd have to stay back with the dumb kids...or worse...what if Miss Violet knew? She hadn't really cheated! She'd...she'd only...
Unexpectedly, Lilly found herself bursting into tears. "I'm sorry!" she sobbed. "I dunno any of that stuff an' I forget everything an' I forgot to study an' I didn't look at the answers, I didn't, I was just in th' office but I didn't cheat, honest! I'm sorry, I messed everythin' up, I don't wanna hafta stay back, I wanna be with my friends, please!"
Miss Violet took the outburst in perfect stride, placing her hands gently on the squirrel-girl's shoulders. "There, now," she said. "Does it feel better to get that out?"
Embarassed and shaky, Lilly nodded, sniffling. The principal's touch was so gentle...different from her mother's, but so soothing...
Miss Violet nodded, her expression turning a little more serious. "So you were in the office," she said. "I thought so. You were gone quite a while."
Lilly bit her lip. "I...'m sorry," she said. "I...I was gonna...but I didn't! I saw the book, but I didn't look..."
The principal nodded. "I believe you," she said. "And your answers all look like your work, anyway. But Lilly, not only do you know better than that, this test is designed to help us figure out where you belong in the school and what you need help with. If you cheated on it, you'd only be making everything much harder for yourself."
Lilly nodded, embarassed. "I...I know," she said. "I...I just wanted t' be with my friends, that's all...they're so much better'n me at school...'m no good at this stuff...'m just...just a..."
Miss Violet nodded. "I understand," she said. "But...well, first off, Lilly, you're being much too hard on yourself. Your test shows that you're perfectly ordinary for a girl your age. That's nothing to be ashamed of. There's a lot of things you need work on, and I do think you shouldn't have been in such a hurry, but that's perfectly normal for an eight-year-old girl. I know you're probably frustrated from your change affecting your knkowledge, but you're not stupid, Lilly, and you should never tell yourself that you are."
Lilly stared in slight shock. She...she was normal? But she felt so...so...
"And..." The principal sighed. She probably shouldn't say this, but it felt like something Lilly could really stand to hear... "...Jenny and Artemis aren't going in the advanced classes, anyway. I think you think so badly of yourself that you think they're farther ahead of you than they really are. Both of them are very good at math, but both of them need work in other areas, just like any other student. They're not prodigies, dear; they're just bright young girls. You will be in the same class, Lilly."
