There was nothing in the room but the near-darkness, just the very smallest bit of the late afternoon light filtering in around the shutters, and no sound but the almost-inaudible swoosh of the barely-active furnace. Anneza could just make out the moulding between the wall and the ceiling of the room - she thought for a moment that it might be the identical moulding between the wall and the floor, but the loose parts of her body - her breasts and hair, the only parts significantly affected by local gravity - were hanging back behind her, so she must be facing up. She laid there in mid-air, thinking about what had just happened.
It was, of course, a hallucination, a projection by her brain onto the blank canvas of the backs of her eyelids. Just like the other people - they weren't really there, laughing at her; even though it was derived from real memories, it was just a hallucination...
...but...just like the people...this was a hallucination grounded in reality. Anneza hated to think about it, but a week ago, if he had been confronted with a person who couldn't do her job, couldn't even speak English - and a changed woman, no less - then...that was exactly what he would have done. This other self, her old self...rejected her. To call it her "old self" made it sound like she was more different from him than she really was, but for the moment that fact was lost on her. She was rejected. Not even her old self wanted anything to do with her. Rejected by him, and by extension, rejected by the whole world he had existed in for decades now. The very life she had built...she was being thrown out of.
Was this how Jay felt?
She wanted to cry, wanted to rave, wanted to break things and hit people - how dare he? - but what could she do? He was her. She was him. How could it be unfair for him to do to herself what he'd done to others in exactly the same circumstances? ...or, if she were honest, even less justified circumstances? But...it wasn't fair! He wasn't fair! ...she wasn't fair. She had...she had...
The thought was bitter - almost actual-taste-in-her-mouth bitter. She had nobody to blame for this but herself. The memory of the whole stupid sequence of events, the thoughts of all the things she might have done differently, came rushing upon her. If she hadn't gone dashing out of the courthouse like an idiot...if she had given an honest testimony and been detained inside...if she hadn't screwed up disposing of the evidence...if she had never hired the guy in the first place...if she'd...if she hadn't let her own need to feel superior lead her into picking fights that had no reason to have happened otherwise...
But it was no good. All this was in the past - it was too late to go back and change it. There was nothing she could do about it; this was her fate, to live as this...this woman...this creature. No amount of reluctant admission of guilt or hindsight could change that fact. She was this, and she was stuck as this.
...so...what, then? What could she do? Anneza's old self hated her, and she began to suspect that she might hate her old self. Her professional life was over, her personal life was a great big nothing and financially untenable, and she had no idea how to fix any of it. She couldn't continue to pay the mortgage, she couldn't get a job, and...what on earth could she do if she came to the conclusion that she simply didn't like herself? She couldn't just...just...
...can't change Me? But why not?
Because people don't just up and change who they are, that was why!
But why not?
Because it was the only thing she had! Because it was her, and she couldn't just abandon it!
Not even if I don't like Me?
Not even then! Even if she were willing to concede that her own personality was flawed, that she was somehow wrong for being as she was, what could she do? Nothing!
I couldn't become a better person?
That was nonsense! Of course she could...she could...she didn't know, figure out how to fix her mistakes, without succumbing - without submitting - to a real change...
How?
She didn't know, damn it! But there had to be some other way than...than...
...letting go of what needs to be fixed?
But...she didn't need to be "fixed," did she? Not her whole life! It was just her...her bad habits...? She didn't need to give up everything she'd worked for just to get past...past...
...the mindset that had Me working for it?
But...everything she'd built...she couldn't just leave it! She knew she was on the verge of losing it, what she hadn't already lost, but...she'd find some way to salvage it, she had to!
Even if I don't really want it?
That was nonsense, she'd been all emotional, she'd been saying things she didn't really mean. Of course she wanted it, why would she have pursued it if she didn't want it?
Then why do I want it?
Because...because...well, because she did! Everything she'd worked for...it was what you were supposed to work for!
Other people want Me to want it, so I want it?
NO! She...
...well...
...yeah.
I want what other people want Me to want?
...no, she didn't. Not really.
Then why hold onto it?
Because...well, what else did she have? If she didn't like what she was, was there some other person she could be? She didn't know! And who could tell her? Who could possibly even begin to know?
Am I the only person that knows Me?
Well...was she? The wolf-girl was an acquaintance, but didn't really know her...Ellen knew her a little, but they'd only met mere days ago, and their communication was limited...and...and...
...what about Mom and Dad?
What about them? They hardly spoke, they hardly saw each other...
...they knew Me from birth...
...but they didn't really approve of what he'd become...
...but even I don't like it...
...they'd encourage her to change...
...but if I don't like Me, what reason is there not to?
Adam got off the bus in the mall parking lot, feeling better. She was still making the adjustment to living on a day schedule, but luckily she'd had enough time to wake up fully before she had to head out. She was wearing a white dress shirt, which matched the plumage up the front of her waist and sort of gave the impression that it continued all the way up her torso when she caught a glimpse of herself in a mirror or window. Underneath, she had on one of the brassieres her mother had got for her; it didn't seem to be doing all that much about the motion, but there wasn't really that much motion to begin with - certainly noticeable, but not particularily problematic. Still, she thought, at the very least this would keep her nipples from showing through the shirt, not that her breasts kept it very taut in the first place. Again, she didn't have anything on below; she wondered if she shouldn't get some shirts that would at least hang down past her waist. Or would that look less like a long shirt and more like a short dress, to an observer? She didn't know...
She entered the mall and strode briskly towards the game store. As she made her way through one of the little courtyard intersections of the main halls, she stopped, surprised. There was another harpy. She looked to be a teenager, with long blond hair and rainbow plumage on her wings, dominated by the vivid red which covered her lower body. But the more arrestingly obvious point was that she was completely naked. Adam had heard about this sort of thing - from her boss, even - but this was the first time she'd ever encountered it. The girl was going about her business quite casually, as if this was nothing out of the ordinary...
Adam didn't realize she was staring until the girl turned to look at her. Then she started to walk over towards her. Adam bit her lip and wondered what to do. She hadn't meant to stare, or to initiate any kind of interaction; she was just trying to get to work and had been surprised... But she couldn't exactly turn and run just because someone was coming over to see her, so she stood and waited.
The girl came up to her. She had a generous bust for her age, and Adam couldn't help but notice that, like her own breasts, there was motion but not as much as she'd have expected. "Enjoying the view?" the girl asked, eyeing her with a mixture of curiosity and wariness.
"Um, sorry," Adam said. "I, um...I'm kind of new to a lot of this...I didn't mean to..."
The girl cracked a wry smile. "Yeah, that wasn't difficult to tell. I'm Sarah. S'pose you're not used to people going around without clothes on."
Adam shook her head. "Uh, no. Um, I'm Adam." She hadn't thought, until she said it, that her name made it plain that she'd used to be a man...
Sarah smirked. "I figured as much. You've got that look. Well, welcome to the club, such as it is."
"Uh...th-thanks...?" Adam wasn't sure if that was something she was supposed to feel thankful for hearing, or whether Sarah was being sarcastic or not. She had even less idea how she felt about the idea. It wasn't as though she had wanted this. Was Sarah implying that she was some sort of novitiate harpy, set to become more suited to membership in this group? That would be a bizarre thing to say...what, would she start going around like...like...
"Why do you go around naked, anyway?" she asked. She blushed and clapped a wingtip to her mouth the moment it was out; she hadn't intended to say that aloud, it had just sort of slipped out...
Sarah's smirk broadened further, and she snorted. "Why not?" she asked. "Dressing myself is a pain in the ass, and it's not as if I need clothes. Besides, there's no point in pretending to be human when I'm not."
Adam frowned. "You don't...see yourself as human?"
The harpy-girl shrugged. "Do I look human? I mean, obviously I'm a person, but they're not one and the same anymore. Since most people see that just fine, why bother trying to be something I'm not?"
"I...uh, I guess..." Adam murmured. There were so many angles to this whole thing she hadn't even considered before deciding to expose herself... Even the idea that some of the changed might self-identify as belonging to groups based on their new form hadn't entered her head. She wondered...that couldn't be an instinctual thing, could it? Would she reach a point where she thought of herself as a harpy? Would that make her start acting like this girl, abandoning all outward trappings of humanity? But even Sarah had an MP3 player hanging around her neck, resting between her breasts... (Adam wondered, were her pinions stiff enough to work the buttons?)
She glanced up at the clock in the center of the square. "Oh, uh, I'd better get going," she said. "Uh, it was nice to meet you, Sarah..."
Sarah smiled, a little tinge of mischief in her expression. "Nice to meet you too."
