Harry walked home, brooding. The crisp autumn breeze tugged at his jacket, and he pulled it closer. It didn't help. How could he be so stupid? He'd wanted to make up with Jasmine, to see if they could go back to being friends; instead, he'd made her hate him all over again! Okay, she said they could just put it behind them and move on, but it didn't make things any less awkward between them...
And that wasn't even getting into whatever was going on inside his own head right now. Did...did he really think those things? If he did, did it make him a creep? And why was it now of all times that he'd suddenly developed a thing for a...for a disembodied head!?
He unlocked the front door and went into the darkened house. His dad was passed out on the couch; the aftermath of another long shift at the hospital. Harry stared at him for a moment, then picked up the crumpled blanket off the end of the couch and draped it over his old man. He shuffled into the kitchen and made himself some scrambled eggs and a cup of instant soup, but he was only eating out of obligation.
He didn't understand why he felt the way he did; for years, Jasmine's peculiar nature had seemed weird and off-putting, even before their falling-out, and he'd told himself that it was only natural, that it just went to show that humans and demi-humans didn't really belong together - they might be able to live side-by-side, but such different beings could never really understand each other.
But then how was it that nobody else seemed to have a problem with that? Like, that centaur guy - he was obviously protective of his little sister, but was he not weirded out by the fact that she seemed to be developing a crush on a human? Next to that, the fact that she was a good few years younger than Harry almost seemed normal. Yet nobody but him seemed to think much of it.
And even he was getting all confused, now...he had always been a bit unsettled by Jasmine's nature, and in fact he still was - but now there were also these feelings that made him...made him want to...! How could you be disturbed by something and attracted to it at the same time? How did that make any sense!? Weren't those mutually exclusive? Which feeling was the real one?
And even if he felt comfortable with that, there were those darker thoughts that he definitely didn't feel right about. Did...did he really want to be in control of her? Did he want her to be helpless without him? Helpless before him...? Were those his true feelings? No...no, that couldn't be right...!
But a nagging voice in the back of his mind reminded him that that whole stupid awful incident all those years ago had happened exactly because he'd wanted to separate Jasmine, to have one part of her all to himself, no matter what the other part of her wanted...
But that wasn't the same thing, was it? Okay, it was selfish and stupid of him, but he was a kid then...! And above all, he hadn't wanted to hurt her, it'd just turned out that way...! That was different than...than wanting to control or dominate her, wasn't it?
...Wasn't it...?
Suppose it is, said the inner voice, as he put his dishes in the dishwasher and headed up to his room. Then what is it that you want to do with her? What were you hoping for when you tried to kiss her?
How was he supposed to know!? He barely understood himself under normal circumstances! It'd just...felt so natural...it'd seemed like a normal thing to do, when holding a pretty girl in a darkened theater...
And...did it have to be like that? Was it really a bad thing, to hold a dullahan's head, to pull them into a kiss? Okay, he'd misread the mood, to the extent that he'd been thinking at all, but...well, dullahans had to come from somewhere - he knew Jasmine's mother was one, and it stood to reason that Lucy's probably was too - so how did they show affection, if not that? Could they really trust someone with their whole body, but not one part of it?
Harry groaned and flopped back on the bed. He didn't understand women. He didn't understand demi-humans. And he definitely didn't understand Jasmine... He wondered if he'd ever understand anything.
Doesn't he understand anything!?
Jason punched her pillow in irritation. It was a little cathartic, but she was still pretty worked up; her flame was jetting high up from her shoulders, curling and licking angrily at nothing. Okay, so they'd sort of made up, and it wasn't like she wanted to be mad at him, but seriously! He'd...he'd...!
She'd agreed to move on, but she couldn't stop seeing it in her mind's eye - Harry getting closer and closer as he drew her to him, a dazed, almost dreamlike expression on his face, her heart racing as confusion turned to surprise and her body fumbled around trying to recover her...
She squirmed, a weird feeling in her chest, and shuffled her thighs against the mattress in restless agitation. And really, even if he had let the mood get to him - which wasn't an excuse in any case! - shouldn't he know better anyway? Hadn't he already gotten in trouble for not respecting her boundaries before? If this really was a whole thing with dullahans, that should be all the more reason for him to know better...! Feeling frustrated, she got up and stalked off downstairs, for no particular reason.
While she was brooding over this, her gaze happened to cross the big photo frame that hung in the living room. She'd seen it before, since this happened to her, but she'd already seen the smaller one in the upstairs hall, and the novelty and shock value of these scenes from someone else's life had worn off; she hadn't given it much thought.
But right now, she'd spotted something that seemed...off. She held herself up for a closer look, and sure enough: there was a photo of a middle-school "Jasmine" and her mother at an amusement park, holding each other's heads. It was clearly done as a goof - the kind of picture where, in a normal, sane universe, the participants might be making bunny-ears. They were both sporting cheesy grins and having the time of their lives.
And there was another photo on the board: the two of them curled up on the couch on a cold winter's day. Jasmine's body was snuggled up against her mom, while her mom cradled Jasmine's head in her lap. She couldn't have been older than seven or eight; how long had it even been since she "came apart" when this picture was taken?
Jason didn't understand it; if dullahans were naturally protective of their heads, how was it that they could be comfortable letting other people hold them - trusting others with themselves that way? This was all still weird and unfamiliar to her, but she knew what her mom had said, and it only took a little thought to realize that, in somebody else's hands, she was as helpless as...well, a baby.
But then, everyone was a baby once, weren't they? There was nobody who didn't have that experience, who didn't spend years having to entrust themselves to somebody else by necessity. But...well, it was one thing between a child and their mother, but how could anyone be so trusting as to put themselves in the hands of a...a stranger!? How could Lucy be so...so comfortable like this!?
But, well, Lucy had been a little nervous, too; she'd seen it in her face. Yet she'd still been comfortable enough to laugh and talk with the other girl, while Jason had barely been able to sit through the rest of the movie with Dean, even though he wasn't doing anything. Was...was it really just her? Was she the one being unreasonable? No, no, Harry's behavior, then and now, was not appropriate; but did that mean that someone else taking hold of a dullahan's head was wrong in itself, or was it a matter of consent...?
"That takes me back," said her mother, sidling up next to her. "You used to be such a cuddlebug...I could hardly keep you off me. I think I ended up holding you almost as much as you did, those first few years after you came apart." She sighed wistfully.
Jason knew that tone. "You...you miss that, Mom?" This was still weird and confusing to contemplate, but she remembered other times where her mother had waxed nostalgic about the little boy that was growing up on her so fast...
She smiled warmly. "Of course; I know I can't expect you to stay a little girl forever, but those are still precious memories to me. And, well..." She sighed. "Honey, I know this is an awkward time for you, but you're so stiff as a teenager. I'd hate for you to go through life so withdrawn just because of...well, one uncomfortable memory."
Jason really didn't know what to say. It wasn't even the memory itself that had her worked up, since she didn't remember it, so much as the way everyone else acted about it, and now the incident in the theater...it wasn't because of some deep-seated trauma that she had, it was because this whole situation was crazy and people weren't who she remembered and only one other person even realized anything was wrong...
She realized that she was trembling, and that she was carrying herself over to the couch. Her body sat down, and her mom sat next to her, setting her own head down beside herself; then, to Jason's amazement, her body handed her over to her mother, who took her in her lap and began gently stroking her hair.
Jason was surprised - first at being handed over like this, and then at the fact that she wasn't upset by it. Shouldn't she be objecting...? But she wasn't- she didn't object. It...it felt strange to be held and handled in this way, and maybe just a little unnerving...but it was also calming, soothing. She was safe in her mother's embrace, being held, supported, cared for; she felt the stress ebbing away and shut her eyes.
"Shhh, there, Jasmine," her mom said, caressing her cheek. "It's okay. I know this is an awkward, confusing time of life, even without other people making it complicated. But you'll get through it, honey. You'll figure it out, trust me. All in good time..."
They sat there for a long while, Jason feeling confused and taking comfort in her mother's attentions, her body snuggled up close to her mom's. It was so weird being like this, totally helpless without the aid of another entity that was somehow both her and not-her, living the life of another person who was also somehow her, wondering which her she was supposed to be, trying to relate to friends who weren't themselves either...but it all felt less overwhelming here, in her mother's hands...
She didn't really know what made her ask; she wasn't even paying attention to herself when she murmured "Um, Mom...? Did you ever do this kind of thing with, um, Dad...?"
Jason could feel a sudden trembling tension in the muscles of her mother's hands; then she relaxed for a moment before hugging Jason's head tenderly to her abdomen. "Mm, all the time, sweetie. He had such a strong and gentle touch...being in his hands, it felt like I was perfectly safe and nothing could ever harm me..." She sighed wistfully. "Some days when I got home from work, I was so stressed out that I'd just have him hold me until I calmed down. And when we made l-"
She stopped short, her hands loosing their grip as Jason flushed hotly under them. "Uh, sorry, honey. Guess you don't need to hear your ol' Mom talk about that. But, well, I guess my point is, it's okay to entrust yourself to other people. We're lucky compared to humans, since we're never completely alone - but even dullahans need a hug sometimes." She put one arm around Jason's body, pulling her in close, and tousled her hair with the other hand. "Being afraid to trust is a lonely way to go through life, Jasmine. I'd hate to see you do that to yourself just because of one bad experience."
Well, the "one bad experience" was a different and much more recent one than her mom was thinking of, and she still had no idea what to do or how to feel about that, but as far as this went...maybe she'd been misunderstanding it. Maybe this kind of thing was considered- was normal for "dullahans." It certainly didn't feel wrong or awkward like this. You want to be careful who you trust with your head, and it's always a little strange, but there's no shame in it - was that it...? It felt like such a weird way to think about something as intimate and personal as one's own bodily integrity...
While she was contemplating this, Lucy came into the living room. She let out a little squeal when she saw them, and Jason cringed with embarassment. She wondered if there was any way to pretend that this wasn't what it looked like, but even if her altered proprioception was good enough for her body to find herself, she was still secure in her mother's hands.
"Omigod!" said Lucy. "That's so cool...!"
Mrs. McCormick smiled warmly. "Mm-hm," she said, "our Jasmine is finally letting people hold her again."
Lucy was momentarily thrown off by the implication of more history that she and Jason weren't aware of, but recovered with a big cheesy grin. "Hey, scooch over," she told her cousin; then she set her own head in Jason's lap, picked up her aunt's off the couch, and sat down, so that Jason was caught between the two of them. "There we go!" she said cheerily, as she started to gently stroke her aunt's hair the way Mrs. McCormick was doing with Jason's.
This was so weird... Jason couldn't wrap her head around it. It was one thing to think that she might've been misunderstanding how "dullahans" felt about protecting themselves, and quite another to find herself in the middle of this...mutual cuddle party...?
But Lucy squirmed in her lap (as best as she could with only her jaw muscles,) and she realized that she expected her to join in. This was all so weird... Hesitantly, she began to run her fingers through her cousin's golden curls; she felt Lucy's facial muscles relax into a gentle smile under her hand, and heard a happy sigh from her. This was all too bizarre for words...but her mother's touch was soothing, and there was something about the weight and warmth of her cousin's head in her lap...
They stayed like that for a good long while before Mrs. McCormick finally sighed, gave Jason one last loving pat, and set her aside. "I guess I'd better get to bed," she said wistfully, picking herself up from Lucy's lap. "You girls should, too."
Jason took the opportunity to extricate herself from this crazy situation, as oddly pleasant as it was; she cautiously lifted her cousin's head and handed her to Lucy's body, which she could feel next to hers, but couldn't see since her mother had set her on the other end of the couch.
"Aww," Lucy said regretfully, "that was so nice."
"It...it kinda was..." Jason replied dazedly, feeling around for her head and picking herself up.
"We don't have to stop, y'know."
Jason shook her head. Now it felt strange to have it back in her own hands...wait, had that ever felt normal? "I, uh, I gotta...check on something," she said, too addled to make up a proper excuse.
"Uh-huh, sure," Lucy said dryly - but she didn't press the issue. Jason went up to her bedroom, set herself on the bed, and just laid there until late into the night, feeling confused.
She woke up the next morning in a daze. She'd been dreaming about...someone...with a strong pair of hands and a firm, gentle touch picking her up, holding her, kissing her, her body entwining them in her arms, and then-
She'd woken up at that point, but she found herself blushing furiously, her face getting hot to the point where it felt like steam was going to come out her ears. Her body felt hot, too, but not in the same way; it was a suffusing warmth throughout her, a feeling like...like...
Her thighs rubbed together as she was getting up, and she flushed even hotter. Grabbing herself off the bed, she went to take a shower.
