It is said that a journal is a record of thoughts, where a diary is a record of emotions. The old Nadine kept a journal, a collection of thoughts, one offs, ideas, reflections, musings, mostly but not entirely about God or religion or faith in someway shape or form. On occasion she would write a poem or a record of her day and how it went if she had a particularly interesting one, but for the most part it was a bunch of thought.
The new Nadine kept a Diary, in it revealed a girl, growing up, changing, becoming who she was today. Apparently she had a more akward puberty than she previously remembered having, was more self concious about her looks. She had written about being made fun of and how that made her feel, and those passages made her cry all over again as if she had experianced them a second time, though it was her first. She didn't like it, she didn't like feeling less than other people, she didn't like feeling pointed at. It took her a while to get past this part of the diary, which was the earlier part, but then she found what she had been fearing and looking for.
She found her first kiss. She had been with Greg for three weeks before they kissed, he wasn't anything spectacular but at the time neither was she. She read about how much she enjoyed the kiss and how excited she was and she began to worry that this new her was a hussy, yet she didn't feel anything from reading it like she had from reading the other things. It was a major event in her life and yet she didn't feel anything from it, like it was a nothing event. She felt a little robbed from this, she wanted to feel something at reading about her first kiss and yet all she felt was a slight bit of embrassesment. It was as if this kiss meant nothing to her.
This unease at reading drew her in further, she kept reading and as the pages marked the passage of time she found that over a summer she had blossumed into the girl she now saw in the mirror. That after a bad sleep over involving some of the girls who were now kicked off the squad, one that Sarah had invited her to in good faith, but had turned sour because of her friends, she had made a pact to not allow that to happen again. This was another passage which made her cry, yet filled her with a steely resolve. It was as if emotionally she knew what was coming next. Pages of beauty tips, of the joy of finding out how to be pretty, and of how essential Sarah was in this. Sarah had apparently been a real friend, maybe out of guilt for what happened the night of the sleep over, maybe just because she was a friend. That summer had blessed her with breasts, weight loss, a new style and when she returned to school it was as a more confident, "new and improved" Nadine. Her passage of her first day back was one that had filled her with pride, it was written with such energy and joy, she really loved being pretty, it was a day full of people being very impressed, and only saying nice things, she wrote that she felt like a princess. She read those words "I felt like a princess" over and over, as if they really meant something to her.
The final passage she read was from homecoming of that past year, though more followed that passage. She went with a football player, a guy she hadn't talked to before, a socially awkward but physically talented tight end named Rory. He was a nice guy and she smiled as she read about getting ready and dresses, thinking of course this was a great time, forgetting for the moment that she had never gone to a school dance before. She read about Rory and how dinner went and how the dancing was terrible but that she couldn't believe that she was going with him, she marveled at how much life had changed. The night had ended with a kiss, and as she read about what it was like to kiss Rory she felt a surge of pride, joy, and most of all desire. She loved that kiss, and she seemed to remember what it felt like to be so wanted, and to want as well. This was one shock too many, and she put the book down, that was quite enough of the new Nadine. Yet she still had her new phone, and she bet his number was in it. She just didn't know how exactly that relationship had turned out, or if she wanted to know. She saw her new self in the dresser mirror as she put the book down and saw in herself beauty, and a shield. She didn't want to go back, but she didn't want to be here either.
