It's Mark, one of Chloe's friends, offering a casual compliment with a warm smile. But the weight of my shifting identity hangs heavy in the air.
I force a smile in response to Mark's comment, trying to shake off the nagging doubts that assail you. "Thanks, Mark," I reply, my voice carrying a hint of uncertainty beneath the veneer of confidence. "Just making sure I look presentable, you know?"
The sudden surge of beauty standards and expectations that seem to have infiltrated my thoughts feel foreign and disconcerting. How much of this newfound mindset is truly my own, and how much is a product of inhabiting Amelia's life?
Mark settles into a seat beside me, engaging in light conversation with Chloe and the others. His sleeves are rolled up to reveal manly arms, and his laugh is oh so attractive…
Woah, I think. This is the biggest change of all. Why do I think Mark is hot? I was as straight as can be as a man.
His rugged face, his muscles… I realise there is a warmth growing in my nether regions that I have never felt before. I feel nervous. I feel self-conscious. God, and my makeup needed touching up! I hope he likes what he sees.
Why do I hope that? I’m supposed to be a man! A straight man! Here I am getting all fuzzy over a guy and all he did was speak to me. But he is so hot though…
Mark seems to notice me being flustered and says, "You okay, Amelia? You seem a bit distracted."
His concern only adds to my internal turmoil. Why am I reacting this way? I've never experienced attraction to men before.
Struggling to compose myself, I offer Mark a nervous smile. "Yeah, I'm fine," I reply, my voice betraying a hint of unease and my girlish nervousness. "Like, lost in thought, I guess."
I cringe at my new voice, both because of how new it is but also because I wanted Mark to think I was sexy and confident, not timid and nervous. I berate myself for my own stupid thoughts.
