"AWAKEN, LARVAL EARTHBEAST."
A voice, discordant and inhuman and altogether too loud, snapped Jon to wakefulness. He gave a small cry of alarm as he found what must have been the source of the voice: a writhing, hideous mass of tentacles, teeth, and eyes.
"DO NOT BE ALARMED, EARTHBEAST," exclaimed the monster, from several of its mouths at once. "I AM GALACTIC TIMESPACE SENTINEL 3087. I HAVE TAKEN A FORM YOUR MIND CAN EASILY COMPREHEND SO THAT WE MAY COMMUNICATE MORE--"
Jon screamed again--louder now, and slightly higher than was comfortable for his masculine pride.
"I-WERE YOU NOT LISTENING TO WHAT I JUST SAID?" said the monster, sounding distinctly indignant now-- a strange sentiment to hear from something so horrific.
"H-how is that something my mind can comprehend?" Jon said, jabbing a finger at the mass of tentacles.
"I AM PERFECTLY COMPREHENSIBLE," protested Galactic Timespace Sentinel 3087, sounding almost petulant now. "YOU CAN SEE MY SHAPE WITH ALL THREE OF YOUR DIMENSIONS, REFLECTING COLORS YOUR EYE-ORGANS ARE ABLE TO PROCESS. MY VOICE IS CARRIED ON AURAL VIBRATION FREQUENCIES YOUR SOUND-ORGANS CAN ACCEPT, USING LANGUAGE STRUCTURES ROUGHLY ANALOGOUS TO THAT WHICH YOU FIND MEANINGFUL. AND HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF THE AQUATIC EARTHBEAST KNOWN TO YOU AS A "SQUID"? I STUDIED THEM EXTENSIVELY TO ENSURE THIS FORM--"
"Alright, alright, I get it," Jon said, pulling off his covers and rising from his bed. Now that the initial shock had worn off, this galactic whatever was seemed more ugly than truly frightening, and its voice was loud enough to give Jon a headache this early in the morning. "So you're what, some kind of alien?"
"YOU CALL ME FOREIGN," stated Galactic Timespace Sentinel 3087. "THIS IS AN ACCURATE, IF INSUFFICIENT DESCRIPTOR."
Jon was awake enough now to piece together what was going on. Apparently the stone's idea of "interesting" was right out of a 1990s space opera. Glancing over to where he had left the wishing stone the night before, Jon realized with fresh alarm that the stone and its box were gone.
"SEEKING YOUR REALITY WARPING ARTIFACT, EARTHBEAST?" asked 3087, waving the box on the end of one of its tentacles.
Jon took a deep breath. Okay, so the alien monster knew about the stone. "Okay," he said, trying to find his bearings. "I know this is going to sound crazy," he began. "But as you might already know, that rock grants wishes, and last night I made this wish that something interesting would happen, and--"
"OH NO, EARTHBEAST," interjected 3087. "WE ARE FAR PAST SUCH PRELIMINARY TRANSGRESSIONS."
Jon blinked, now entirely lost.
"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW THOROUGHLY AND MANIFOLDLY YOU HAVE ABUSED THIS ARTIFACT, EARTHBEAST?" exclaimed 3087. "THE CHAIN REACTIONS, THE DEPRAVITIES, THE SHEER STRANGENESS--AND THIS IS COMING FROM A BEING THAT CAN IMAGINE CAUSALITY MOVING IN FOUR DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS. THE NUMBER OF TIMES WE'VE BEEN FORCED TO ENACT A TEMPORAL RESET ON THIS PATCH OF SPACETIME HAS BEEN UNPRECEDENTED, AND THAT'S NOT EVEN COUNTING THE WORK WE HAD TO DO ON YOUR STELLAR UNIT."
"I, uh...have no idea what you're talking about," Jon said, entirely honestly.
"OF COURSE YOU DO NOT. IF YOU DID, THAT WOULD IMPLY A LEVEL OF INTELLIGENCE GREAT ENOUGH TO AVOID SUCH CONSTANT CALAMITIES," said Galactic Timespace Sentinel 3087. "PUT SIMPLY: YOU ARE CONSTANTLY FUCKING UP WITH THIS ROCK, SO MY SUPERIORS HAVE GRANTED ME CLEARANCE TO REVOKE THIS BEFORE YOU RIP A HOLE IN CAUSALITY TRYING TO FIND NEW WAYS TO INVERSE YOUR GENITALS."
"Wait, what now?"
"NEEDLESS TO SAY," continued 3087, "YOU HAVE THOROUGHLY RUINED THIS PATCH OF SPACETIME FOR NORMAL USE IN THE REGULAR FLOW OF REALITY. THANKFULLY, MY SUPERIORS ALSO APPROVED THE SECOND HALF OF MY PROPOSAL, WHICH REDESIGNATES THE DAMAGED PORTION--THE EARTHBEAST HABITATION CLUSTER YOU CALL "LAKE POINT"-- TO A PURPOSE APPROPRIATE AND SAFE TO ITS WEAKENED SPATIAL STRUCTURE."
Jon took a moment to weave through the unnecessary decibels and diction to catch the monster-things meaning. "You're... doing something with my town?"
"PRECISELY," said Galactic Timespace Sentinel 3087, waving about the box with the stone again. "A PROJECT FOR WHICH THE REQUISITION OF YOUR ARTIFACT IS THE CRUCIAL FIRST STEP."
"Oh no," Jon muttered, realizing with growing dread what would come next.
With surprising dexterity, 3087 opened the box and plucked out the stone. "A SUITABLE SENTIMENT, EARTHBEAST. NOW, I, GALACTIC TIMESPACE SENTINEL 3087, WISH..."
