Jon was back at home, looking at the stone. He picked it up.
"What should I do with it?" he asked. "I wish I knew," he said.
Electricity filled the air in a glowing orb. Electric arcs with enormous power threatened him. He backed off. But it was limited to a certain sphere of influence, about 1 meter in diameter.
The bolts of lightning joined together, with red waves in the air flowing out from the sphere, and it turned into a man. The man was naked. And he looked just like Jon. And he was carrying a bucket full of - what were those, barbecued ribs?
"I am you from the future!" the other Jon explained. "There's no time to explain!"
Just then, a robotic arm smashed through Jon's wall and took a swipe at them. They ducked under it.
"We have to get out of here!" future-Jon yelled. "Here, eat these ribs!"
"What's going on!" present-Jon asked.
"I told you, there's no time, you need to eat these ribs or else you'll doom us all!"
And so present-Jon did the logical thing. He started eating the ribs. The robotic arm smashed through more of the arm and smacked the bucket of ribs. Rib sauce went all over the place, most notably into present-Jon's face. The rib sauce stung acidically.
"AAAHhhh! The ribs are in my eyes! They're in my eyes !" Present-Jon's eyes burned.
"I know, I remember that. But get the stone and come with me!"
"Tell me what's going on!"
"I would, but there's no time! Now quickly, wish us to the Bermuda Triangle!"
"The Bermuda Triangle? Why?"
"No questions! Just do it!"
"Ok," present-Jon said, grabbing the stone, I wish we were in the SHIT!" he yelled, as the robot arm smacked him in the back of the head.
They were in a foul-smelling dark place, waist-deep in foul muck. A sign hung in view. It said "Lakeside Sewage Treatment Plant".
A robot burst through the wall, and was approaching them.
"Quickly, do it right this time!"
"I wish we were in the Bermuda Triangle!"
Now they were floating in the ocean. Present-Jon grasped the stone extra hard, it would be inconceivably bad if he dropped it now. Future-Jon treaded water with his feet only, while he held up the bucket of ribs over his head.
"Ok, now can you tell me what's going on?" asked Present-Jon.
"Ok, that stone has a counterpart. Another part to it. Except the other part isn't a stone. You see, that stone is one half of god."
"God?"
"God. The other half is an animate being that is chasing us in his avatar. The ribs you ate will stop us from tracking us, for a while, but only while we're in the Bermuda triangle."
"WHY!?" Present-Jon asked. "This doesn't make any sense!"
"If that being finds this stone, and the two combine back into one, god will be complete once again, and that will be the end of everything. It will be the end of the universe. The whole universe. And not just the whole universe, this universe, but every universe. Every. Possible. Universe. Gone. Poof. Psst. Erased from ever having existed."
"What? How do you know this?" Present-Jon asked.
"Because you told me. I told me. In this conversation. Since last time I was you."
"Couldn't you have been wrong? You wouldn't know, since future-you wouldn't be able to be sure either that he wasn't lied to. And what does that have to do with the ribs? Couldn't I have just wished to be untrackable?"
"No, because that would counteract an earlier wish. The only way to do it was to eat the magic ribs."
"Ok, how do we stop god from destroying the universe then."
"There's only one way."
"Which is?"
"Which is, that we... oh shit! It's the avatar!"
A giant robot hovered in the air in front of them, passively observing them.
"I would have thought you would have seen this coming, if you had lived through it already," Present-Jon said snarkily. "What was the point of going to the Bermuda triangle, or eating the ribs?"
"I believe you have something that belongs to me," the robot said in a tinny voice.
Present-Jon said, "Fuck it! I wish we would be teleported to an alien planet billions of light-years away, which was capable of supporting human life."
Suddenly they were standing on blue grass, with a piercing hard bluish sun overhead.
"Did you think you could hide from me here?" asked the robot.
"I wish we were some place the robot couldn't follow!" Present-Jon said in a panic. Nothing happened.
"You can't," the robot scoffed. "I can follow you anywhere, anywhen, to other universes, across time and space, into the realms of possibility and impossibility, into the singularity of a black hole, I could even follow you if you fled to reside within the deep down digits of pi. Now," it commented, looking at the stone held by Jon. "At long last, finally, after all these eons!"
Present-Jon's fingers got flung open, and the stone floated through the air toward the robot.
"What do we do now?" he asked future-Jon.
"Now, we kiss," future-Jon said matter-of-factly.
"What?"
"Pucker up."
" What?! "
"It's the only way to defeat him. It's the only thing that hurts him."
"Us kissing hurts god? The being that just said he, it, he, could follow us into the digits of pi? Us kissing hurts that being, you say? Why?"
"Homosexuality, earlier me. Homosexuality! Those crazy Christians had it right all along! God actually hates fags! And that's why! It's god's one weakness! His kryptonite!"
"What?" present-Jon asked in astonishment. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard! You're telling me that..."
"Yes! I'm saying that we need to kiss, to save the universe! To save all universes.... from being destroyed... by GOD! Now pucker up past-me!"
With a shrug of his shoulders, present-Jon puckered up and kissed his future self. He wasn't a bad kisser.
"Nooooooooo!!!!" cried the floating giant robot in a shriek of anguish.
They continued kissing, and with some tongue.
"NOOOOoooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!" screamed the giant robot.
"Once more, with feeling!" Future-Jon shouted determinedly.
Present-Jon kissed future-Jon with tongues, hugged, and they gripped each others' butts.
"I'm meellllltttinnnnggggg! Meeeeeeelllllllllttttttiiiinngggggggg!!!!" the robot melted away.
"Did we just... kill god? Or, half of god? Why was that so easy? If that was all it took, why wasn't he done in by all the other acts of homosexuality done throughout human history, or history of life on Earth, or every planet in the cosmos, in all universes?"
"These questions, and others, will come in time. Actually I'll just tell you. It's only fatal to god if it happens within 40 feet of him. Kind of strange that he didn't save himself by hovering a little further away from us, but he was quite a glutton for punishment. This is the same guy who once crucified himself in order to forgive us for crimes that we didn't actually do but that we would have been punished for, for all eternity, in the hell that he created to torture us in for not worshiping him, after all. He truly worked in mysterious ways. But now, we must see to it that history follows its course. Here, take the bucket of ribs."
"Wait, you're sending me back to meet my earlier self now? But then why are you pretending to have all the answers, since I haven't had mine answered. And how can I use the same bucket of ribs! I ate some of this! There are fewer ribs now than there were before! It can't be the same bucket of ribs that gets sent back because each time it gets sent back it would have fewer ribs left than the time before!"
But it was too late. Future-Jon picked up the stone, which had fallen into the grass after floating halfway to the robot, and made his wish. Present-Jon was teleported back to his room, and stood naked, holding the bucket of ribs. But something was wrong. For rather than his earlier self, standing there in his room, was his grandfather.
"Happy birthday Jon!" his grandfather said.
"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..." Jon stammered.
"Did you miss me?" his grandfather asked. "And, looking for this?" he said, holding out the stone.
"Jesus Christ," Jon said. "If this was all just an elaborate prank for my birthday, I swear to god..."
"You can't," his grandpa said with a grin. "You just capped his ass."
