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2. This town's big enough for two

1. You Are What You Wish

Biff and the Magic Remote

on 2015-02-12 17:14:57

1629 hits, 40 views, 0 upvotes.

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Biff Meadows huffed as he crossed the blocks from school to his house. He hated walking - especially after a long football practice. But when his Jeep broke down yesterday he was stuck hoofing it. Steve and Jay had laughed him off when he asked for a lift, and it seemed like his girlfriend, Sarah, wouldn't even talk to him until he got his ride back. His mechanic of a father had decided it would be a good learning opportunity - they'd do the repair together after school. But the last thing Biff wanted today was another lesson.

Biff's walk slowed when he spotted something ahead. A few houses down, sitting at the curb, was a massive pile of junk and boxes. As he got closer, he began to recognize some of the objects, which looked like remnants from an old home theater system. An old TV (with the screen cracked, unfortunately), a bunch of speakers with the wires pulled out, some broken shelves, along with a bunch of empty boxes for what he assumed to be newer equipment.

Realizing it was all busted junk out on the curb, Biff was about to keep walking when a small box caught his eye. The side was torn off and a slim piece of plastic was sticking out. The box said "Ultimate Remote 2.0."

Biff picked up the object. Sure enough, it was a remote - and a fancy one at that. Covered in a boatload of buttons, a couple of switches, and even a small touch screen near the top. He turned it over in his hands - it looked to be in perfect shape, and even had batteries inside. He looked around to make sure nobody was watching, slipped the remote inside his varsity jacket, and continued his march home.

He walked into his garage to the sound of wrenches clanging on metal. His father slid out from under his Jeep. "Heya son, I think I found the problem. Grab a wrench and we'll get started!"

Biff sighed. He really didn't want to be doing this right now. "Ok dad, let me just drop my stuff inside, I'll just be a minute," he told him and walked into the house, through the kitchen, and into the living room. Tossing his duffel bag to the floor, he plopped onto the couch and pulled out his new remote control. Let's see if this thing works he thought.

He looked it over for a second, trying to figure it out. Maybe he should've checked the box for instructions? Nah. There was a switch at the top with two settings: Global and Local. It was set to local, Biff figured that meant something with the local channels, maybe? Beneath that, a power button, and a button marked 'sync'. That must be the one that connects it to the TV and stuff, he figured. He pointed the remote at the family entertainment center, pressed the sync button, then the power button. Immediately, the TV and cable box flashed to life.

"Sweet! It does work!" The screen flicked on, and an after-school kids' show was playing. Yukko the Clown was hopping up and down on the screen, entertaining the kids in the audience. He didn't say a word, instead honking a bicycle horn as he danced around. Biff rolled his eyes and went to the kitchen to grab a soda.

With his head stuck in the fridge, Biff heard the door from the garage open. "Listen, dad," Biff said as he began to turn around, "Just give me a minute. I had a long day at -" he froze in his tracks and dropped his soda can, which sprayed all over the floor. His father stood there, with a massive dopey grin on his face - which was completely covered in clown makeup. In fact, Biff realized, his whole getup was exactly like Yukko the Clown!

"Dad! What the fuck?" His dad said nothing, but kept grinning, and honked his horn twice, then started to do a little dance. Biff turned to look into the living room, and sure enough, Yukko was doing the same dance on the screen. Then, the screen went dark as the program went to commercial break - some housewife selling paper towels. Biff looked back to his father.

The man was now dressed exactly like the woman in the ad, holding a roll of paper towels. "That's OK son," he said to Biff with a cheery tone. "Bounty has 25% more quilts than the leading brands. It's super absorbent!" He tore off a sheet and began cleaning up the spilled soda. Biff ran to the couch and grabbed the remote, and quickly turned off the TV - but his father was still bent over, in a dress, cleaning up the floor. He picked up the can and threw the wet towels in the trash.

"Dad! Are you ok?"

"I'm fine! Bounty has 25% more quilts than the leading brands. It's super absorbent!" It was almost like he was repeating the 30 second commercial. Biff scanned the remote for another button - he tried 'sync' again.

"...And if you don't want to work on this Jeep, we can take it away for good. How does that sound?" He was back to normal - oblivious to having been a clown and a housewife just seconds ago - and was clearly mad at his son.

Biff didn't respond. Instead, he was staring at the remote. If it could do that much, what the hell else could it do?

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