I was going to skip Legendary Pete's the next Friday, but with the work week I had I felt like I really needed it.
For the first 30 minutes the conversation was about politics. Long ago this was my most dreaded topic because Doug and Todd always fought, but nowadays it was a very WELCOME change from monkey vaginas and huge penis women.
Doug and Todd were arguing over some Social Security tax I didn't care about when they basically agreed to disagree. This created a lull in the conversation. I was about to interject movies or TV or SOMETHING other than programming, but Mike beat me to the punch.
Mike leaned in and whispered as though the table were bugged, "You guys here what happened to the victims in Birmingham England?"
Everyone shook their head.
"They're keeping it quiet, but all the victims were men. They look the same, but they are ACTING strange."
"How?" Rachel asked, "All these stories of people acting strange has me really worried. I thought the fucked up five can't alter minds"
"No, Mike said still in a half whisper, "but they can alter physiology to change behavior like they did with Gary. And this Birmingham mod was a very subtle but nasty one. The men have had their pheromone receptors flipped, and they have been multiplied by 10. Also, they have negative reactions to pyridine."
"I have no idea what that means." Rachel said with a frustrated sigh.
Mike rolled his eyes at her lack of understanding about science and apparently her own body and said, "It means they respond to sex pheromones in the OPPOSITE way they used to. As in if they were heterosexual, they are now ATTRACTED to male pheromones and REPULSED by female ones. Plus the effects are 10 times higher than they were because they have 10 times the receptors. The prydine stuff is extra cruel, that is a component of vaginal secretion.
We all thought about what this meant. Rachel said it first
"So not only are they chemically repulsed by their wives or girlfriends and chemically attracted to men, if they come into contact with any vaginal fluid they get sick?"
Mike nodded.
Doug was taking a sip of beer, but paused to utter, "That's fucked up!"
Todd then went the other way, "So if they were homosexual they were now chemically attracted to women whose vaginas give them horrible allergic reactions?"
Mike nodded again.
"So.. the heterosexual men they're gay now? Any the gay men are straight?" Rachel asked
"Physiologically, yes. Mentally, no. They are worried the Five are figuring out to manipulate behavior in a more...forceful way. They are trying to program minds in a roundabout way by forcing the body's functions to work in unintended ways. Remember Gary? Remember those people who secreted vaginal fluid and female pheromones? They are stepping things up to dangerous new levels. If a guy is heterosexual and his body is reacting negatively to women and becoming attracted to men, who knows what that will do to his brain? People have gone on killing sprees for a lot less."
We all just thought about that.
Mike then seemed to get upset and added, "I wasn't going to say anything, but I think my wife Trinity has been modded too."
We all gasped.
Todd asked, "Really you found a P rash on her?"
Mike shook his head, "No, but she has been acting odd ever since she got back from that stupid training seminar down in Tallahassee a couple months ago."
"Acting weird how?" Doug asked.
Mike hesitated and then said very quietly and in as serious tone, "Well, she hasn't been in the mood for sex really since she got back. She's always making excuses or claims she's on her period when I try to initiate things. On top of that she's been masturbating a lot. I have caught her a few times now."
Doug, Todd, Rachel, and I all looked at each other a few times and then almost at once we all burst out laughing.
But Mike wasn't laughing he was visibly upset.
Todd was still chuckling as she said, "Dude! Women masturbate too. Get over yourself."
Rachel and I nodded.
Mike protested, "But we are supposed to be trying for a baby right now. A couple months ago it was all she thought about. Lately she doesn't seem into it as much. I was doing research on the internet when I found all those stories about Birmingham. I think Trinity got a similar mod."
Rachel said, "Just because a woman doesn't want sex doesn't mean she has been altered by terrorists. Mike, women just have a different view about sex than men do. Maybe instead of reading conspiracy theories on the internet you should try being romantic and thinking about her needs more. You can't just expect her to want or ask to get pounded daily because you are trying for a baby! Maybe all the pressure of trying for a baby has made sex a chore for her. Maybe she's worried she can't get pregnant. Tell Trinity about your concerns over her low sex drive, but don't mention seeing her masturbate, please. Explain to her how you love her and want to start a family with her. Ask her what she needs from YOU to do it more often."
Mike was still upset, but seemed to calm down a bit. I couldn't really fault him, if Roger started acting weird I'd worry about reprogramming too.
