I wanted to scream. I wanted to run in a million different directions. I wanted to be anywhere other than here. This didn't make any sense! I turned around and shouted at the top of my lungs, "What is this!" I paused to catch my breath and continued. "Malcolm! Grandpa! Where am I? What the hell is going on here!"
"You made a wish," I turned to see my grandfather standing there again. He was nestled amongst a group of my classmates. Before I knew it, the world turned into light again, and reality changed around me
When the world reformed around me, I was lying on my back. At first I wasn't sure what was going on. I heard some hard breathing and when I looked up, I saw Rick on top of me. He was naked, at least as far as I could see. I couldn't tell whether he was wearing anything below his back or not because we were covered by a blanket. I could feel that my legs were spread apart though, and being held back at an odd angle, and if I hadn't been able to feel it, the rises in the blanket would have confirmed it, and he was thrusting in to me, but
I cried out, a mixture of pain and pleasure clouding my perceptions as he took me. I wasn't Natalie though. I was Jon. I began to moan softly as he continued. I felt his lips on my neck as he continued to force his way in an out of me and I wrapped my arms around him. I could even feel myself getting a little hard as he continued. Before long, I was completely lost in the moment. I knew that this, like the last few minutes was some bizarre caricature of events that had already happened, but I didn't care. In that moment, his rhythmic motions were starting to feel really good and I just wanted it to continue.
"Um, excuse me." I knew that voice. I looked up and saw *me * standing over us. It was Natalie, and she looked more than a little weirded out. Rick didn't stop though. I wondered if he even saw her.
Part of me thought: *Well, if he doesn't care, I sure as hell don't *
When I looked up again, over his shoulder, I saw the uncertainty in her eyes. I pushed Rick away, and grimaced when he came loose in one quick motion. He rolled over on his side, but he didn't say a word. He just had a blank look on his face as he propped his head up and watched us. Occasionally a rather emotionless smile would cross his lips. They're really nice lips, I thought, turning my attention back to Me?
"I'm glad you're having such a good time of it," she said, glancing down at me in my semi-erect state. I pulled the blanket up to cover my nakedness, and tried to will myself not to blush.
She shook her head. "Please," she said, "that used to be mine, remember at least sort of." Now she looked a little confused. "Actually, the harder I try, the less I remember you know, about that." Her look became even more and more perplexing. "Actually, now that I think about it, I can't really remember much about your life. I mean, I know I did, but it's like there are little portions of my memory that are cut out. I can see that they're supposed to be there, and I can see the general shape, but I just can't remember them." Now she looked a little bit worried.
I thought about it for the moment, absentmindedly combing the floor with my eyes. I was looking for my clothes. She was right though. I knew that I'd wished for several of Natalie's memories, and now they seemed to be gone. I could remember a couple of things. I knew, possibly thanks to the reinforcement a little bit ago, that Karyn had killed herself and several others, and I also knew that it was somehow my fault, or was it? but for the life of me, I couldn't remember any of the specifics. "You're right," I said. "It's the same thing on my end too."
"Jon, what's going on?" She sounded genuinely scared now.
"I don't know," I told her honestly. "I think we might be dreaming this though."
"This feels like way too real to be a dream though," she said. I glanced back at Rick. He still had that same not-quite-all-there look on his face. She was right though. I'd had the occasional wet dream, and it had never felt that real. I was actually still a little sore. "So, what do we do about it?"
"I don't know," I told her. I'd completely failed to locate any of my clothing, so as I stood up I took the blanket with me, wrapping it around my body for cover. "I saw Grandpa though," I told her as we moved toward the door. Rick, apparently completely comfortable in all of his naked glory simply continued to lie there.
She nodded as she opened the door. "I saw him too. I think we were still well kind of together when that happened," she said. "I think we split just before we wound up here."
I nodded, that sounded about right. We made our way down the hall and into a rather thick cloud of smoke, accompanied by an aroma that I recognized. It seemed like we were back at the party. Making our way into the living room, I could see that all the familiar players were there. Rob, Gina, and Bill were gathered around the sound system passing a joint around. I could see Jenny on the couch making out with Maggie, the young red-head that had accompanied the neighbors to the party. That had been a wish. I could remember that. It seemed like any memories we'd shared were still present in both of our minds.
Violet was talking to Rosie and Jim, and I saw Jill sitting at the kitchen table. She had a notebook and what looked like a text book open in front of her. She looked like she was trying very hard to concentrate on something. Slowly I made my way through the crowd with Natalie in tow.
"This is totally fucked up," she whispered behind me.
"You aren't kidding," I told her. That was when I nearly tripped. I looked down and saw that amidst the hustle of the party, my Natalie's niece, Chloe was sitting on her butt playing with an unopened bottle of beer. I reached down and took it away from her. She looked up and started crying. It didn't last long though, and then she was just looking up at me with that same blank look Rick had given us.
Finally, we made it to Jill.
"What'cha doing?" Natalie asked.
Jill looked up and there was a frantic look about her. "Gotta study." She said simply. "Midterms next week and I really need to ace them." As if she'd explained everything we needed to know, she went back to her work and proceeded to completely ignore us.
"Seriously fucked up Jon," Natalie repeated.
That was when Violet walked up to us. She had that snotty, Better-Than-Thou look on her face that she'd worn when we'd encountered her at the party. "You should probably just leave her alone," she said. I was about to respond when she leaned in and started sniffing me.
"Okay," I said, leaning back and trying to regain some personal space, "I don't remember this part."
Natalie looked at me. "Well, do you remember Rick in there fucking your ass, or Karyn gunning Rachel down in the courtyard? No, because this obviously isn't how this played out."
"You got that right," we turned and saw Why does Zoe keep showing up? I tried to focus, but nothing came to mind. Zoe wasn't even involved in this. Yet, there she was, and Karyn was standing by her side. Why did they always show up together? It wasn't bitter Karyn though, and it wasn't normal Karyn either. This was a Karyn who had headed off in the Goth direction. She was wearing the mandatory black well, everything. Even her lips were covered in a thick layer of black lipstick. Zoe was smiling now as Karyn took her hand.
"If you'll excuse us, we just came to pick Violet up. Here girl," Zoe cooed. When I looked down, Violet had reverted to her canine state, and she headed back toward Karyn and Zoe. Without another word, they headed back out the door.
"Okay, what's the connection there?" Natalie asked. "Why do those guys keep showing up together?"
"Probably just something in our subconscious," I told her, as I rubbed my temples.
"Well, nice to know Karyn isn't the only one who got completely fucked up by the wish," Natalie said, sitting down on one of the kitchen chairs.
"What is it with you and that word?" I asked, trying to find something normal to latch onto.
"What word?" she asked innocently. I knew she was playing me, but I was just too tired to be her little pawn.
"Fuck," I told her. "What is it that makes you feel like you have to talk like that, and the smoking," I continued. "You know you could wish that you quit, so why don't you?" I looked up at her. "I just don't understand why you do half of what you do, and I've been you sort of." I shook my head again.
"First of all," she told me, "You haven't been me. You never had all the memories that I had, all of the life experiences that I had because you were too much of a coward. You got part of what you wanted, and you were afraid to take it all the way. You, John Gibson, were never actually me. You were too afraid to be me." I think she might have done it just to spite me, but she reached over and grabbed Jill's cigarettes from the table and lit one. She took a long drag and made a show of exhaling the smoke. "Fuck yeah," she said, smirking at me.
I let out an exasperated sigh. "It's not like your exactly fond of me either," I told her, leaning back against the counter. "You've spent every waking moment denying my very existence. Maybe you're right. Maybe I don't like you very much. You're ashamed of me though." I felt myself deflate a little. "You can't stand the idea that you were once me."
"Well, look at ya Jon," she said forcefully as she stood up. She spoke with the cigarette perched between her lips. "You're pathetic. You weren't given exactly the hand you wanted in life, and so you spent all that fucking, that's right," she added bitterly, "I said fucking, time hidden away in your little shell. You couldn't even face life."
"You're gonna tell me about facing life?" I asked, my voice dripping with sarcasm. "Really?"
"Hey," she said, removing the cigarette. "Say what you want Jon, but while you were hiding, I was actually out there living it. My life may not be perfect, and I might have made some mistakes, but you know what?" She paused for dramatic effect. "I'm happy Jon! I look back on my life and guess what? No regrets. Can you say that? Let me answer for you: No. You're entire life has been one regret. I'm glad I can't fucking remember it Jon, and I hope I never have to again!" She didn't stop there though. The onslaught kept on coming. "And you're not gonna wanna hear this, but it has to be said. If Karyn was so reliant on others for her own happiness, then maybe it's for the best that she offed herself. I wish she'd done something a little more traditional like slitting her wrists in the bathtub to some horribly depressing music, wish she hadn't taken Sarah and the others down with her, because they were my friends Jon, but maybe she did the world a favor when she took herself out of it!"
I couldn't stop myself. I'd never hit a girl in my life, but Natalie had pushed me over the edge. I pulled back and clocked her in the cheek. There was a loud thud and she fell to the ground, rubbing the offended cheek. To my surprise, when she looked up at me there was a grim smile on her face. "Well, look who finally grew a pair," she said as she hoisted herself back up. "Can't say I approve of the whole hitting a girl thing, but way to defend yourself."
I went back to leaning on the counter, just trying to think. She continued on. "Look," she said, the harshness gone from her voice. "I know you feel guilty about what happened, and I know it's driving you insane but "
I looked her dead in the eye. "No, it's not actually," I told her.
"Jon, you can't lie to me. We've been stuck together for two days now. I can feel that soul sucking guilt trip you've got going on " I thought I detected a hint of uncertainty in her voice though.
"No," I told her, and I wasn't lying. "I mean, yes I feel terrible about the whole thing, and I wish it hadn't turned out this way, but I know I wasn't the one who pushed her over the edge. The way Malcolm explained it, this reality was happening already. My wish just merged it with my own. Nothing that I did pushed Karyn to do what she did. Like I said, I feel terrible about it, and I do really wanna fix it, but that deep soul sucking guilt as you put it," I paused. "It's not coming from me."
"But " the uncertainty in her eyes was rapidly turning into tortured fear. "But if its " she was having trouble getting the words out, and I knew that was natural, given what she was realizing. "If it's not you then it has to be " Natalie obviously couldn't bring herself to finish the thought.
At least not out loud.
"So," I asked, trying to sound comforting. I felt she deserved that. "Why exactly do you feel so guilty. I know Malcolm said that you turned on her, but that was years ago."
She fell back into her seat, shaking her head. "It didn't stop there," she told me. "I was just as bad as Sarah toward her Fuck," she whispered. "I was worse. The others just hurled meaningless insults at her. I knew things about her. I'm not sure Sarah, or Biff, or any of them could ever have hurt her the way that I did." I could see tears forming now.
"But that doesn't make you "
"Responsible?" she said rather abruptly. "There was a note Jon. Karyn left a fucking note! You know what? You know what she said in that note?"
I shook my head. When she looked up at me, her eyes were sparkling, and tears were running down her cheek. "You probably don't remember it right now, but Karyn didn't shoot me and she had the chance. She stood there for a moment, the gun pointed at my temple I was scared shitless Jon. Then she had this creepy smile on her face when she shot herself." There was a long pause, and I didn't press her. I'd let her continue in her own pace. "You know what she said in her little Dear John to the world note? She said she was gonna let me live so that I could feel the pain I'd dumped on her." Now Natalie was crying. I pulled her to her feet and held her close.
"We're gonna fix this," I told her, patting her back and running my fingers through her hair. "We're gonna make this right."
"How?" she spat out between sobs. "How "“ the "“ hell "“ are "“ we gonna make this right?"
"We'll figure something out," I told her. Truth be told, I wasn't entirely certain either. This entire experience was getting extremely weird. I wondered if we were both really in here right now, or if one of us was dreaming and the other one was just a manifestation. I wanted to believe the first option.
"What the hell did we do to deserve this?" Natalie asked, slowly pulling away. On the bright side, it looked like her tears had stopped falling at least.
"You made a wish," that familiar voice said again, and the light enveloped us
