I felt a dangerous twinge in the pit of my stomach. There was a question that I knew I didn't want to ask, but it was one I was going to have to ask all the same. I braced myself. How could this have happened? What wish did I make that could possibly have caused this? I released a breath that I didn't realize I'd been holding and finally forced the words out. "The girls that were killed " Long drawn out pause. I really didn't want to ask, "Was one of them Karyn Black?"
He looked at me strangely for a moment. "Karyn Black?" he asked, and the look on his face was almost incredulous, "Missy, Karyn Black was the shooter."
My knees finally buckled and I dropped to the ground
When I came to, I wasn't exactly sure what had happened. I knew that I was lying on one of the rather uncomfortable cots in the nurse's office in my high school, and I knew that there were several concerned looking faces surrounding me. What happened, I wondered silently as I tried to make sense of the scene playing out around me. The first person I recognized was Mrs. Johnson. She was an older, rather kindly woman who had been the nurse here for what seemed like forever. I knew that she'd been around quite a while already when Jill had gone here, and that had been several years ago.
Jill. The thought of my sister's name started a cascade of memories. I remembered the rock and glanced quickly down at my own body as the memory of my first wish played out. Then there'd been the mall, and the party I groaned softly when I thought about the party, about everything I'd done. When I looked up, she was smiling warmly at me.
"Glad to see you're doing better," she said, taking the thermometer out of my mouth. I'd been so out of it that I hadn't even realized she'd been taking my temperature. She passed a look of relief in my direction. "Looks like it was probably just a dizzy spell," she said, setting the thermometer down by the sink.
"Thank god," a decidedly feminine voice said from behind the nurse. When the older woman stepped out of the way, I saw a girl standing behind her. She was about my age with wavy blond hair and bright blue eyes. I knew her by name as Rachel Thompson, but I'd never really known her very well. The mixture of fear, shock, and anger in her eyes told me that maybe I knew her a little better than I thought. "You scared the hell out of me Nat," she said. "First you missed cheerleading, and then you were brought in by the officer on patrol "
She kept talking, but I stopped listening when I heard the word officer. That's when it all came back to me. Karyn. I shook my head. Karyn was dead and I knew deep down that it was somehow my fault. When I noticed Rachel casting me a rather perplexed look, I tried to pull out of my mental nosedive, at least enough to fake being alright. But how? I hadn't made a single wish about Karyn. My memory was a little hazy but I was absolutely certain of that. Truth be told, I still had a hard time believing it. Maybe I heard him wrong out there, I thought hopefully.
"You okay?" Rachel asked. When I looked up at her, and really took her in, I could see the stereotypical cheerleading slut. She'd obviously developed well, or at the very least was padding her bra, and she dressed to show it off. Too, there was the look of just a little too much makeup on her face. She was the kind of girl that Jon would have hated with a vengeance. So why do I feel a kind of affinity with her?
"I'm fine," I told her as I stood up. I looked up at Nurse Johnson. "Is it okay if I go now? I'm feeling much better."
She nodded, "I can't think of any reason to keep you."
"Thank you," I told her, trying my best to be polite. I turned and walked out of the room, Rachel in tow.
"So, just what the hell happened back there?" Rachel asked. Her tone was the tone of one who simply assumed they were entitled to know everything that went on in your life. "Was it a panic attack?" She was walking by my side. Though my mind wasn't in the right place to appreciate it right now, I couldn't help but notice how the guys turned to watch us pass as we walked by.
"Panic attack?" I asked. "Why would I be having a panic attack?" We were almost to the front doors now. School was out for the day, and everybody was getting ready to head out.
To my surprise, Rachel stopped and grabbed my shoulders so that we were standing face to face. "Look Natalie," she said softly, and I could actually make out sincere concern in her eyes, or at least a really heartfelt attempt at it. "It's me, okay. We've been friends for almost ten years and you certainly don't have to pretend to be so brave about it. Not around me anyway."
"Brave about what?" I asked. I tried not to sound too annoyed, but I really wasn't in the mood right now. Karyn was apparently dead now and she'd taken five other students down with her. I knew that somehow the rock and I were responsible, I just couldn't figure out how. I knew that I should be feeling sorrow and a million other things right now, but I supposed I was probably in shock. I'd just seen Karyn yesterday. She'd been reasonably happy! She certainly hadn't appeared homicidal, suicidal, or any other 'cidal that I could think of. So, what changed? I knew I could ask the rock, but right now the thing scared the hell out of me.
"It's alright," Rachel said, apparently trying to soothe me. When I looked down, I saw why she was trying. I hadn't even realized it, but my legs were shaking again. "I can't even imagine what it must have been like in that classroom, what you must have gone through "
Classroom? Gone through?... *That must have meant * "I was in there?" I asked softly, "I mean, when she when Karyn when "
"You really don't remember?" Rachel asked. She paused for a moment. "I've heard of this," she finally said. "We talked about it in psych. Sometimes the brain will physically block a memory that it deems too traumatic." Wow, I thought bitterly, Who'd have thought a cheerleader might actually know well, anything?
I looked up at her. I knew what I had to do. I tried to smile. I hadn't really considered the idea that stuck up pompous cheerleaders could actually show true signs of friendship and compassion or at least Jon could never have believed it. It was starting to bother a small part of me that I was coming to think of Jon more and more as a completely different person. Like he was somebody I knew. "Thanks," I told her. "I don't want to keep you, but I've gotta run to the bathroom," I lifted the tampon partially out of my purse as if to make a point, "but I promise I'll call you when I get home."
Rachel smiled and nodded. She looked reluctant to leave me, but she seemed a little more assured that I was in a better place emotionally. "You'd better," she told me. "This conversation isn't over." I smiled as she walked away, thinking about what a remarkable invention the tampon had been. So far, just having one had gotten me out of two uncomfortable situations. When she was gone out the door, I made my way to the bathroom. I put the seat down in one of the stalls, sat down, and pulled the rock out.
I looked down at it for a moment, paralyzed with indecision. Part of me was scared to death, even simply holding it in my hand. Another part of me, the scary part that had taken over last night, felt that if I made the right wish, I could fix anything. It was like a war was being fought in my mind. I still couldn't believe it. I found myself thinking about the other school shootings I'd heard about in my life. Columbine came to mind, and even thought I'd been pretty young back then, it had been plastered across the news day and night. There had been others too, and the shooters had always been dejected individuals who'd been ostracized from the classroom population in general. They'd been filled with hate and anger, and they'd seen only one way to end it. I thought about Karyn, and I just couldn't make her fit that mold. She had a temper at times, and she could be a little arrogant, but she'd never had a hateful bone in her body.
*At least not that kind of hate *
Still, if I was going to figure this out, figure out how I could fix this then I was going to need to know exactly what happened. I remembered the other night, when I'd wished for comfort and friendship amongst Jill's friends. I remembered how it had affected me and how it had changed some of the most basic principles that had made me who I was. Even now, I could have gone for a drink or a joint. I needed to remember that day, needed to see with my own eyes what had happened in that classroom, and I knew that there was a chance that I was going to come out of this even more changed then I already was. Still, I'd never wanted this, never wanted to find out that my best friend Well, Jon's best friend anyway Okay, that particular distinction bothered me, had killed five of her classmates and taken her own life in a fit of anger. If I could recall what had happened, maybe there was a way to change it.
Change it like you've changed everything else so far? a voice inside asked.
I have to try!
My mind completely made up, I held the stone tightly in my hand. My entire body was shaking now. I was more afraid of this, of witnessing what I was about to witness, than I had ever been of anything in my entire life, but I knew I had to.
Closing my eyes, I began the now familiar lament, "I wish "
