"You okay Jonny?" I asked, lighting my final pre-school day cigarette of the morning and enjoying the soothing effect it had on me as the thick, acrid smoke filled my lungs. I held it in for a moment, savoring the feeling before releasing it in a contented sigh. I had to hand it to him. At first I'd been ready to pummel him for his stupid smoking wish. Now, I was actually starting to enjoy it, and I was starting to understand why so many people had trouble kicking the habit. Maybe I had been a little harsh on some of the smokers I'd known. Still, as we made our way through the quiet that permeated the mornings in our town, my attention was drawn back to my friend.
Of course I was relieved that his attention didn't seem completely devoted to yours truly anymore. At least I think I was. Still, something seemed to be bothering him. Thinking back to my oh-too real conversation with mom the other night, and how disturbing it had been, I began to wonder if he'd gone through something similar. Taking another drag, I tapped him on the shoulder.
"Earth to Jon boy. Anybody home?" I asked.
As if I'd pulled him from a trance, he suddenly turned to look at me. Once again I noticed the lack of intensity in his gaze. If I were being completely honest with myself, I'd have to admit that I still didn't know how I felt about that. We'd been friends for such a long time. Anything more would have been weird, right? Maybe I was going about it the wrong way, something that the extra weight on my chest and the occasional stray hair in my eyes would apparently never let me forget, but avoiding a relationship with him was the right thing, right? Obviously I wasn't attracted to him right now, but what would happen when this wish ran its course? Was I attracted to him before? I couldn't even remember anymore.
"Yeah," he said softly. "Sorry, I was just lost in thought."
"Oh," I said mischievously, trying to lighten the mood, "Thinking about some hot guy?" I was only teasing, but the look in his eye told me he wasn't in the mood. For the first time, I began to really worry about the impromptu wish I'd made. Whatever he was thinking about it seemed to really be bothering him.
"Hardly," he said, his gaze returning forward as he lit his own cigarette. "I just " he paused. "I had a really uncomfortable conversation with my father at dinner last night." He ran a hand through his hair and silence fell for a moment. Somebody else might have tried to fill it, but I held my tongue. I'd known Jon long enough to know that sometimes he needed a little time to frame what he wanted to say. In the fullness of time he continued, "He is definitely not okay with me being gay. He all but asked why I wasn't fucking you." His voice was harsh, and I'd rarely heard Jon swear in all the time I'd known him. It definitely took me by surprise.
"Jon, maybe " I wanted to offer comfort, largely because my own fears and anxieties had created this situation, but I just didn't know what to say. Even mention of the idea of sex with Jon was a little disquieting. I'd fantasized about guys before, even touched myself a little, but never Jon. Now I was beginning to wonder why. Of course, now I couldn't even imagine what I'd possibly seen in any guy I'd thought about. Just the idea of being near a penis was enough to make me shudder.
"It's okay Karyn," he said, "It's not your fault." He paused for a moment and rolled his eyes, "Well, actually it is your fault, but it's gonna be okay. You were right, this whole experience has already been enlightening."
"Maybe you could use the rock, wish that he was okay with it," I offered, taking a final drag before crushing my cigarette out on the ground as we approached the school yard.
He shook his head. As he continued my attention was divided as I noticed Sarah McMillian approaching the school from the student parking lot. She was an evil, stuck up bitch of a cheerleader, but I couldn't seem to peel my eyes away. There was no cheerleading practice today, so she'd decided to come to class in a black halter top that left her moderate cleavage on display for all to see. I started to feel a warmth between my legs as I imagined my fingertips slowly slipping those spaghetti straps down over her bare shoulders, revealing her breasts. I just wanted to touch them, to feel their soft warmth against my palms. Her short black skirt wasn't helping matters either. I started to feel a little damp as I imagined sliding a hand up those long smooth legs, finding her secret spot.
It was so strange. On an emotional and spiritual level Sarah repulsed me. I hated her. On a physical level I wanted her so bad.
I came to when Jon snapped his fingers in front of my eyes. When I looked at him, he had a wry grin on his lips. "Sarah?" he asked, shaking his head, "really?"
I shook my head, knowing I'd been caught. "I know, I know," I lamented. "I can't help it. I hate the bitch, but I so wanna get under her skirt," saying that out loud surprised even me. "I guess I can't fault you for looking at her," I admitted, remembering how I'd reacted when I'd seen him looking the other day.
"I was saying, before you took a little trip to Sarah Land, that I don't wanna use the rock to change my father's opinion. The more I think about it, the more I think you were right about this perspective thing. I need to experience this, the good and the bad."
I wasn't sure how I felt about Jon's sudden decision to embrace my wish, but at least it was one less thing I had to worry about. "So, you excited?" I asked. It was then that I started to notice the looks we were getting. A lot of our classmates weren't paying us any attention at all, but there were a few that were looking at us with disgust. I was about to say something to Jon, who had obviously noticed as well, but I was taken aback when I watched him give one of the other students the finger.
"Seriously," I asked again, "Are you sure you're okay?"
"I'm fine," he said, though his expression said otherwise. "Besides, I'm looking forward to seeing who hits on me. It's going to happen sometime today, right?"
"That was the wish," I told him.
"Well," he said as we went our separate ways inside, "I'll let you know what happens!" He was gone before I could respond. All we could do was go on with our days and wait to see what happened
