Karyn asks quite unsubtly and ask "how did you knew, it shouldn't be possible only me and Jon heard it..." put the confusion was, naturally, she didn't understand I used be Jon but it seemed like a dream all along ago but it's quite clear that the universe still thinks as him except in karyn mother body so I still have memories that
"Well your right, so solve me riddle... I am sure you hear this one before, What asks but never answers?" I replied with my motherly tone that got so used to, I mean after all I was her now and forever right? It felt so like used to that I don't remember how to be Jon, my supposed real self
Karyn knew riddle well and she anwser "The Owl" and she was right, it was old riddle we say when we young but her gear in her head start turning and say "You're Jon, The whole time.... My whole life is lie, The reason why like jon because HE IS LITERAL MY MOTHER THE WHOLE TIME" her reaction was quite expected from young tomboy like her, I mean did had raise like that I mean wouldn't have daughter any other way
"Yes it all true, I put myself in twisted time loop only few week from now and jon going disappear and become me and raise you and the process repeat, a never ending cycle." All preordained. A prisoner in chains. A victim of venomous fate.
Karyn then said something that I didn't expect her to say but she say it "When were you jon, what color were your eye?" then I answer like always to Karyn and say "Green"
Karyn say "Recall Jon in this world look like,especially his eye" then I did and then sudden and remember everything that seem off about this world and one I remembered...
This wasn't my world but rather uncanny close parallel universe that seem almost same, but something was off I should have know it but I was so by my existential angst and identity crisis
"But how, I thought change..." then Karnyn stop me and she say "Do you know MW, or the The Many Worlds Interpretation... by try change time all you did went another timeline where your my mother and Jon had BLUE eyes. I knew felt that existence angst... did you really daughter doesn't know her own mother and I always felt you hold down by some sort invisible force.
Funny thing, I got know guess what from you or rather you with the blue eye rather than green eye" Karyn was right, but still I feel like lair and she was right too, n omatter how much I told myself this that this my life now and must deal and how much "I love" my husband.
The Truth I knew from inside I was lieing, and it hurt silently but I told myself lie enlough times and I try stop "My urges" for boyish thing and liking girl the way boy did.
I was trying denial myself, I had wising stone I could simply wish my pain away right but it was wrong and wasn't true happiness. It was sicking and sweet and taste falseness that Sarah respent in my mind and I feel doing that make no better than her.
I still have conform to society and my role, and the something I most violently try repulse my being.
My love for Karnyn, I was thought we were soulmate when we were young and always meant to be but as fate would had it, I became her mother and well I don't need tell why that was wrong.
I feel Sick everday I had daydream or even erotic dream of her in body but always had them.
It wrong for mother to feel thing for her child and specificity one she raise from birth.
My "Love" for my husband was more kin of empty love, There was no Passion or Intimacy just my commiet to keep everything as it was, until day jon wished beceame me but now my whole worldview has shatter and show how wrong it is.
All this I was hurting myself but if the one good thing that I have Karyn now and she can comfort me and help, she was best friend despite now age gap and I truly understood what it meant to be female and how live typical life of one.
But I still can't unwish myself turn back jon and I wasn't willing take over the other jon life that was cruel.
"But I love Karyn, in that way... the always did when I was jon. No matter how much I suppress it or call it sinful. by say this I can't help myself... I love you in way mother shouldn't but teenage boy should. I am confused now, I thought my life was train-tracks... It was comforting and slightly romance in twisted way.
I can't pretend to be your mother anymore but I can't be jon either, who am I... I don't know anymore. the part of me that should I keep acting nothing happen and just live on hellish existence but there part that dare me to be jon despite the consequences "
Karnyn didn't what to say but who did, so we sat in
uncomfortable silence, but what snap back into reality of thing.
