"Why are we digging in the dirt again?"
The tone -- a mix of genuinely questioning, mildly disgusted, and slightly bored, tugged at Susan's heart. For the first time in a long time, Sarah sounded like her daughter again. It brought back memories of the first time they'd tried this -- and, to her mind, abandoned it too quickly -- over a decade ago.
Susan was not an eternal optimist, but she was determined to see a silver lining in this disaster. After weeks of tips on makeup, clothes, shopping, walking, strutting, running, bathing, shaving, grooming, smiling, posing, and discerning (and another visit from the friendly little man with the horrible teeth), Susan had finally found that silver lining.
Here are last was a chance to do it all again, but right this time.
"Because," she said, remembering her own time in the little garden behind her childhood home with her own mother, "to be a woman is to be in touch with life." It was hokey and silly, but there were lessons to be taught. Now was as good a time as any to start.
Susan was pleased to see that Sarah was suddenly gazing at her with rapt attention over the tacky Prada sunglasses she'd picked out. That lesson could wait.
Jon looked at Mom over the bizarre sunglasses he'd picked under duress. He loathed them, but he wanted Mom to be happy, and they had a good brand name, and they were expensive, so he figured they'd be ok.
Jon had never been much of an in-the-dirt kid, always preferring imagination to molding things with his hands. He'd gamely put on some work clothes -- "work clothes" being shorts and a spaghetti-strap top from earlier in the summer and therefore bound for the Goodwill anyway -- but when he actually discovered what Mom wanted to do, he'd balked.
Didn't she know what that could do to his nails?
He was busy trying to figure out how to lower himself to the ground without getting his knees dirty -- he didn't want to shower again, too much could damage his hair -- when Mom spoke up.
"Because," she said, in response to Jon's muttered question, "to be a woman is to be in touch with life."
Jon suddenly needed to know more.
--
*"Sarah: Can you hear me?" Dr. Anders asked.
"Yes," she answered dreamily.
"Good. Now, Sarah, you will not remember that we had this conversation. But you will remember everything that I tell you to do -- all of my commands, everything I tell you. But you will believe that everything I tell you is your own thought, your own belief, your own desire, your own feeling. Do you understand?"
"Yes."
Tick, tock.
"Good girl." He paused. "You are in a dream. And, when you come out of it, you will have a whole new outlook on life. Tell me you would like that."
"I would like that." The response was slurred, almost incoherent.
Tick, tock.
"I want you to answer every question I ask you by saying 'YES.' And, I want you to believe that 'YES' is the right answer to every question. Do you understand?"
"Yes."
"Now, Mom has been teaching you about being a woman, hasn't she?"
"Yes."
"And you've enjoyed that, haven't you?"
"Yes."
"And it's made Mom and Daddy happy, hasn't it?"
"Yes."
"And you want to make them happy because you love them, isn't that right?"
"Yes."
The metronome had wound down again.
Tick, tock.
"And the way to do that best of all is to really be Sarah in their eyes, isn't it?"
"Yes."
"But to do that, you have to act completely like a young woman, don't you?"
"Yes."
"And the only way to do that is like being a great actor, and to really believe in the part, heart and soul, right?"
"Yes."
"You want to really play the part of Sarah very well for Mom and Daddy, don't you?"
"Yes."
"You want to do that even if it means thinking and acting like a woman for a while, don't you?"
"Yes."
Tick, tock.
"Good girl, Sarah. You're doing very well. Now, I want you to look at something in a new way. Would you like that?"
"Yes."
"You are intensely interested in being and acting like a young woman for Mom and Daddy, so much that every time Mom teaches you about womanhood, you are absolutely riveted. You will soak every last bit of that information in and treat it as your own thoughts for as long as you're pretending to be Sarah. Isn't that right?"
"Yes."
"And you know that will make Mom and Daddy happy, don't you?"
"Yes."
"As you learn more, you will act as Mom instructs you, as a young woman would. At first it will take a little effort, but you will come to think it's natural. You'll start to think of yourself as a young woman as a way to perfect the role. After all, this is a chance to make Mom and Daddy happy, and to become a great actress someday. Do you understand?"
"Yes."
*Tick, tock. *The last one.
"And the next time you see me, you'll be relaxed, and happy to see me, but you won't know why. Isn't that right?"
"Yes."
"Good girl. Now, I want you to rest here. You will begin to come out of your dream. You will awaken and feel happy, rested and ready to begin your new life as an actress brilliantly portraying a young woman, so well that even you sometimes forget you're not a young woman. Do you understand?"
"Yes."*
"Did I ever tell you I wanted five children?" Susan and Sarah were now down in the dirt, digging with their hand spades to plant the flowers. Sarah had gone from annoyed to adamant almost instantaneously. She'd pushed up her sunglasses onto her head and was now working with a small smile on her face.
She looked up. "Really?"
Susan smiled, sadly. "Very much so," she said, letting her mind drift back. The pain, the tears, the near divorce with only a beautiful baby girl keeping them together for a while. "When you marry the right man and are blessed with a child, you'll see it's the most wondrous experience in the world.
"Oh, the pain is awful," she said with a smile. "But it's worth it. It will be for you, too."
Sarah appeared to briefly zone out; when she came back, she asked, "Why didn't you have more?"
--
Jon suddenly understood how wonderful it was to be a woman, to feel life grow in and around you. He'd always disdained this sort of talk -- "hippy crap" he'd called it -- but being a young woman had taught him so much.
He thought, for the first time, about how wonderful it would be to carry a new life within him. She smiled and absent-mindedly rubbed her belly.
Mom gave her a sad smile in response to her question. "It wasn't meant to be," she said. "After I had you, there was a mistake by a doctor, and ... it's not important, dear." She had tears coming down her cheeks.
Moved, filled with warmth, Sarah reached and hugged her mother. They both cried a little.
Over Sarah's shoulder, Susan smiled.
