"God, I hate this," thought Jon as he reread his grandfather's letter.
The letter had contained what looked like a stone dildo, and a warning. The ancient discovery could bring unimaginable power, but for religious reasons the ancient priests who made it put it in this form. The device was used in a simple way: remove the appropriate body part and replace it with the magic item.
Jon had laughed, since nobody would cut off their penis for a prank like that. The whole idea was ludicrous... except that the note had also included a convenient spell to get rid of one's penis first so that it could be replaced. The idea of magic was ludicrous too, ludicrous enough that Jon read the whole thing as a joke.
Once he pronounced the words, the paper caught fire and he felt a burning sensation in his penis. He ran across the hall to the bathroom, pulled down his pants and saw his penis literally on fire too. It was some kind of magical fire that didn't quite hurt as much as it should, but still consumed what it burned. In just a few seconds he was staring, horrified, at a small hole between his balls where his penis once was, and several clumps of ashes, some of which had fallen into his underwear.
There was no choice, of course, once this happened. Jon held the back of the stone dildo to the top of his balls, and had a feeling of a sudden erection. He was holding his penis in his hands again, except it didn't look quite right. The skin color was just slightly off, and there was a tiny, almost unnoticeable, dimple where the stone had been chipped.
Jon blinked. He couldn't have been imagining it. He was holding his penis and it felt normal, but it wasn't quite right, and there were still ashes in his trunks... and if all that was real, wouldn't it grant wishes just like the note said? "I wish I was holding a hundred dollar bill."
Suddenly he was holding a hundred dollar bill to his penis. He realized he should have specified it goes in his wallet. But it really did work. He could do anything he wanted, he just needed to find a private place first....
