“You do remember how he wronged you and yours, right?” Ezekiel interjected with a bemused smile.
“As I said. I can’t just abandon a friend.” Especially not to you, Dave thought silently.
“Hmmm.” The demon just stared at Dave for a few moments, stroking his goatee as he thought “You really are an interesting one.” he finally decided “Of course a human assistant is far less useful than a demonic one’. So we’d have to find something else…” the demon lapsed into thoughtful silence again for several long moments before giving Dave a beaming smile “I have a soft spot for theatric gestures, so let me match yours with one of my own: I will strive to give you the best my collection has to offer, and in exchange you will name me god-father if you ever have children.”
Daves first reaction was echoed by Jakes‘ “Wait. What!?”. Daves second reaction was, the thought ‘Way to prove my point about fae’.
“No need to look so shocked.” Ezekiel looks mildly insulted “I am not asking you to let me snatch the child from the crib. Only to play a part in it’s life. I know the tradition of god-parents has degraded over the past hundred years. But I still consider it the foremost duty of a god-father to keep the childs best interest at heart. To help where the parents are unable to. And no. I do not plan to go behind your back. Until the child is say ….21 I will always place your wishes over the childs’. After that the child really should be allowed to make it’s own decisions.”
“You make it sound like this particular deal with a demon has no downsides. “ Dave ventured ”No offense but I don’t believe it.”
“Quite fair. But this is still a lifelong commitment, try to welch on it and you will find out the demonic equivalent of ‘She will prick her finger and sleep until true loves kiss awakens her’. I realize you can avoid the deal by using protection your entire life or dying alone, but I consider that a fitting punishment on its own. You see my boy, I am extremely confident you want children at some point.”
“Sooo. What exactly do you get out of this?” Dave asked. So far the deal just seemed a bit too good.
“I used to be a scholar, some two hundred years back, and I sacrificed my chances on love, friends or wealth on the altar of knowledge. I spent every waking moment hunting down artifacts and tomes on magic and demonology. And with the power I gleaned from them and from trafficking with demons, I could hunt down even rarer and more potent secrets. Until I became a demon myself. “
“Two hundred years are a long time to examine your life choices. And even if I am loathe to admit it, I would be a sorry excuse for a husband and even less of a father. There are just too many tasks demanding my attention and when a foul mood strikes me I am unbearable for days at a time. But as a god-father I would not- indeed should not- be a presence in a childs life for more than a few days at a time. So this is the closest I can get to saying ‘I took part in shaping a new life, and it was better for it.’ ”
Daves doubts must have been written plain on his face, because after a moment Ezekiel continued “The only reason I extended this offer is because I consider you far more suitable to have a defining role in a childs life, than me. And in the past century I have become rather proficient at judging people. So let me assure you again that I do not plan to go behind your back, to wrest control of your childrens future away from you.”
For what it was worth, Ezekiels offer seemed genuine. And the wannabe-fairy-godfather had promised not to secertly poke whole into his condoms or anything of that nature. Yes, knowing he could never have children on his own would probably suck. But knowing he declined an opportunity to spare a friend seven years of servitude under a capricious master would suck even more.
“Why do you look like you are considering it? ” Jake asked, disbelief and anger mixing in his voice.
“Because it sounds better than seven years of servitude?” Dave answered, slightly confused by the hint of accusation in Jakes’ voice. Couldn’t his friend see that he was trying to help.
Jake groaned “And you made that friggin’ obvious. This is a negotiation not one of your college debates. For someone who thinks he’s so damn clever you are really stupid sometimes!”
“But I needed to know…” Dave tried to protest.
“Then be subtle about it next time. Now he knows he has you by the short and curlies, so he’ll be a lot more picky with any counter-offer.”
“I was just trying to….” Dave tried to defend himself, a note of anger creeping into his voice.
“I know. An it is friggin’ noble. We all know you are a fucking saint after all.” Jake snarled.
“What the hell do you mean by that!? Huh!?” Dave snarled back, hurt at what an ungrateful little prick his friend was at the moment. Here Dave was risking any hopes of future romance and Jake had the gall to be upset by it.
“Oh please – please! - spare me the humble routine. “ Dave shot back ”We both know you think you are better than me. Better grades, better at sports. And you are oh so cultured because you got to go to college and sit in on feminist studies for fun, while I work a shitty job. ”
“A friend asked me if I wanted to join her, instead of killing time in the cafeteria until she came back! I just told you about it because I thought it was interesting. “ Dave tried to explain, before a small vindictive part of him added ” And its’ gender studies, by the way ”
“Oh yes, let us not forget how much better you are with chicks. You certainly never miss an opportunity to rub it in my face.”
Did Jake really think THAT was the reason Dave told him about his maybe-dates? Heck did he never notice how all these girls ended up with other people because Jake was to hesitant to signal his interest in more than good conversation and movie-nights? He was about to shoot back an angry retort, before suddenly remembering that any angry words might literally change Jakes mind. His anger vanished as he went over the conversation in his head, had he already messed up by pressing the wrong topic?
While Dave tried to come up with something safe to say. Jake just stood there breathing heavily for a while before punching the wall beside him with a frustrated “Fuck!” startling Dave.
“I’m sorry.” Jake muttered between clenched teeth “Shouldn’t have said that.”
“Yeah.” Dave nodded, adding a cautious “I think we might both be scared. We’ll talk about it later? When things have calmed down?”
Jake nodded “Yeah.” Before taking a deep breath, trying to regain his composure.
While the Jake had been airing his grievances, the demon in the top hat had wandered a polite distance away and was currently filling a kettle in the kitchen.
“Look.” Dave said in a low voice “You are right. I might have screwed up there. But the god-father thing isn`t that bad.”
“If he keeps the promise not to magic you into knocking up the next cute chick you see.” Jake said.
“If he doesn’t plan to honor his deals, we are screwed anyway.” Dave said with a shrug. “And you said it yourself, any other deal we can get now will probably be worse. And neither of us wants you to be at this guys beck and call for seven years.”
Upon seeing Jake give a reluctant nod, Dave took a deep breath to steady himself before calling “We have decided.” towards the kitchen.
“Splendid.” The demon was positively beaming with anticipation as he came over towards them “What will it be then, gentlemen?”
“Just to be clear, If I swear to make you god-father you really won’t interfere if me and my partner use protection?“
“Indeed. I am a man of my word.” Ezekiel nodded “I will leave that decision entirely up to you and the women in your life. And the vagueries of fate of course. Accidents do happen. ”
“But you won’t curse him to break every condom or something?” Jake asked.
“I am a man of my word.” Ezekiel repeated a hint of annoyance creeping into his voice.
“Ok. Ok.” Jake backed down, grumbling “But you said I was stupid for not asking enough questions the first time around.”
“Moving on.“ Dave tried to calm the situation “ I’d also like you to swear I won’t wake up one day and find there is a cursed necklace lying in the crib or anything like that.”
“I will do my best to keep anything relating to magic out of the childs reach, be it knowledge or object, unless I have your permission. Or until the child comes of age. ”
Probably sensing Daves hesitation, the demon added “You will have twenty-one years to prepare your child however you see best. And I swear I will not willingly endanger the childs soul or happiness as long as it lives. Or use magic to make you or your family to agree to my offers, if that is what you are worried about. “
In fact Dave hadn’t been worried about that, until a moment ago. But if the demon was willing to do that they probably wouldn’t be having this conversation in the first place. And with that Daves biggest worries had been answered. Of course there were about a million other ways in which this could go horribly wrong, but Dave knew if he did what his gut told him and spent the next hours going over them he’d still not feel comfortable making this choice. He’d probably not feel comfortable making this choice if he spent the next year pouring over the details, that was just who he was. So after taking another deep breath, he closed his eyes and nodded “I accept.”
