To all my colleagues at Sacred Mercy Hospital, whom have always doubted my ability to see medical dilemmas from an alternate perspective, I present to you a brand new concept in wellness-care.
Upon a recent browsing of a yard sale not far from my home, I happened upon the most amazing disovery - a piece of jewellery known as the "Medallion of Zulo." According to literature that accompanied the medallion (which I purchased for a mere $4.25,) it was a magic artifact that could change a person's very physiology. Naturally, I was skeptical; and on the possibility of magic I still am, but after some prodding my wife agreed to try it out with me. Fascinatingly, the change between our two physical forms took place, and we spent an evening reading quietly to ourselves in each other's body. I'm still investigating into what scientific mechanism makes it work, but the fact remains that it does.
It was then, upon settling into my wife's body for 12 hours, that the idea struck me: this device could be used, theoretically, to revolutionize medicine. It would also make our fair hospital one of the most reknowned, if unorthodox, in the world. What I am proposing, gentlemen and ladies, is that we begin a new program at our hospital: identity donorship. It is extremely simple, if simultaneously somewhat complicated. People; that is, normal, healthy average people of all creeds, genders and so on, would donate an article of clothing from a point in their lives when they were already healthy. Our hospital would catalogue them, and in the event of that person's death, that article of clothing would be used to grant new life to an ailing patient. Mind you, this would not be used wontonly - only the most terminal of cases, such as Cancer, AIDS, heart, liver or kidney failure, or so forth, need apply. We would also need to keep scrupulous information in our catalogues as to the gender, age, race, and other specifics of an "identity" contained within such an article of clothing. And, unless otherwise noted, an identity would be donated only in the event of the original owner's death, as with regular organs.
Imagine: a man lying in bed, dying of cancer. The chemo doesn't take and there's nothing to do but make him comfortable... such scenarios would be a thing of the past! In a matter of moments (the transformation is guaged to take a half hour to 45 minutes,) the man can be healthy and vital again, thanks to a caring donation of another man's sweater.
The only other thing left to do would be to arrange identification for those whose identities have been altered. Naturally, it would be unfortunate for anyone to be mistaken for a dead man.
This is no hoax, gentlemen and ladies. I've seen the results for myself. Not to mention that, if all goes as planned, we can charge whatever we want for this one-of-a-kind treatment. We'll all be billionaires, rich beyond our wildest dreams.
Take care,
Dr. Frederick Weinberg, MD
