Recent comments

How come Zoe and Athena don't recognize Jen but the mother does?

I have a couple ideas. But I wrote it for people to write on.

A really great concept with a really great execution! Do you have any plans for it?

Good to see this continue. this is well thought out, the characterizations
are brilliant

SIgh.
This is great.
and you got me.

Thank you. I replaced brittle by fragile, but I'm not sure if it's better.

English fixes

"Even the glass on the windows were clean" should be "was clean"

"carved directly in an enormous block" would usually be phrased as "carved directly from a single enormous block"

"What do you think make this light?" I think should be "What do you think is making this light?" or "What do you think made this light?" not sure depends on what you want to convey.

"thing that make the magic." should be "thing that made the magic."

"I forgot you never played video games before" probably should be "you've never" or "you have never"

"he generally need the master" should be "needs"

"Had Karyn not called the wrong name at the beginning. She might have heard her in time, but she didn't." This is confusing, it's not clear who "she" refers to until you're half way through the second sentence. Maybe rephrase to use Emily/Jon's name in the first part. Maybe "Had Karyn not called the wrong name at the beginning Emily might have heard her in time, but she didn't." There's a couple other places where it's not obvious when you get to which person a pronoun is referring to, mainly because you most recently mention the other person by name then switch who you're talking about. It is easy to figure out but it's like a little speed bump as you read.

"already stepping in a giant spiderweb" should be "stepping into"

"thankfully brittle enough" not sure "brittle" is the right word for spider silk, it really only applies to things that don't give or stretch, like glass. I can't think of a suitable word to just drop in and replace it though, "weak" would fit but I don't think it would sound good... downplays the spider too much.

"He shouted as he ran" did you mean "She" it's the only time in this chapter you use a male pronoun for Emily/Jon.

"Are you mad?!" is a bit British English, and at least in my head Jon and Karyn are American and would more likely use "insane" rather than "mad". This one is fine as is, but as I said, Americans are more likely to use "insane", at least in current American English, it would be different 100 years ago.

thanks for adding

welcome back

Just discovered this branch. Holy shit, man, you're doing good work! Keep it up!

Yay! new episode!

A little of both. I still plan on continuing, but I don't think I'll be able to make a new chapter every day like I did before.

Are you planning on continuing this or have you run out of steam?

Honestly, I completely forgot that I was even writing this with Ice. Good to see you're curious about it all. It's always fun to see readers asking questions and theorizing.

You're right. Thank you for pointing it out

More a question than a correction "thickening mist was present on her screen" should this be "mist wasn't present"?

Honestly, having read this whole story from the start and up to now recently, I cannot put into words how special this feels to me. Change in general, the feeling of one's self drifting to something else in real life, is still a sobering thought. And to think that a Furry(non derogatory) 900+ pages collective effort that branched from a CYOA was able to express that and endear me so much to these characters is a first for me to say the least. Realising as a teen that I was interested in the prospect of feeling the experience of being of another anatomy was called a kink(little after discovering i had such interest in the first place) and not in the most socially endearing terms lead me to believe there could be little more to the idea. Over time it just became that, from idea to kink, I never scratched that itch I wanted from the start until i found this fascinating world. Thank you.

Caught another typo! "She reported her attention" I guess you meant "returned" rather than "reported"

English fix: "sort out her feeling for a long" should be "feelings"

Storylover, you need to post episodes with content in them. You can't just keep posting one sentence prompts.

Caught a typo! "relly" should be "really"

English was pretty good in this chapter, just one little thing

"was able to take in my inventory" sounds a bit off, grammatically it's correct but I would have gone with "take into my inventory" or "put into my inventory".

Thank you ! :)

Absolutely love this storyline, great work! Looking forward to more!

I'd like to join in on the praise. Really enjoying this branch.

Thank you! I'm trying to do the best I can and I'm glad you like it! :)

"Jon was the boy who wished this game into existence, and Emily is the main character of this game. It doesn't matter if one became the other, they are not considered the same as long as Emily is part of the game."

I guess that explains why the wish confirmation didn't work. ;)

Wonderful story by the way. You've really made something special here.

I even asked on the discord for the plurial of AI before posting, but I guess it would be better to just make it singular whenever I can, thanks.

(Also, I think you placed the "the" in the wrong place in your first correction)

"No. They have normal AIs." This one too. Consider either "No. They have the normal AI." or "No. They are normal AIs." I would say both of these are unambiguously correct.

English nitpick!

"Do they have advanced AIs?" the plural here depends on exactly what you mean, though I think in this case it should be singular since you're talking about the type of AI not an instance. Phrasing it as "Do they have advanced the AI?" makes it unambiguously not the plural.

"like them got advanced AIs, but" Same thing here, probably should be singular, consider adding "the".

"Advanced AI will be able to see the player" this one is also tricky, but should probably be plural, since you're talking about the instances of the AI... Maybe rephrasing as "An advanced AI would be able to see the player and interact with them" which removes the trickyness by changing the subject of the sentence to a single hypothetical instance.

(Another area this sort of trickyness shows up in English is code/codes for software source code. In my experience programmers/software engineers almost never pluralize "code" while scientist who program as part of their work in another field do, treating the word as referring to a program as a whole, where programmers view is that it's a collective noun. So basically don't take my version as the absolute truth above, other native speakers might disagree with me. Consider rephrasing to avoid the debatable instances if you don't want to think about it too much.)

product is both singular and plural. :P @bigbustgazer

Just two little fixes!

"Alchemy and skin care product?" should be "Alchemy and skin care products?"

"I have more standard potion too." should be "I have more standard potions too."

Thank you! I made the corrections you pointed out. I know I can make a lot of errors and I really apprectiate what you did.

Just want to add in that I'm enjoying this storyline! I'm only posting the English corrections because you say on your profile that you're open to it and I like what you're doing!

English fixes!

"You're pretty good with kid." should be "You're pretty good with kids."

"She had stopped laughing while she talked to Lyla." This one isn't wrong at all, but consider replacing at least one, probably both, of the "she's" with a name, it's confusing since it's not obvious when you get to the word which of the 3 possible characters it means.

"the mastery you gain with this type of weapon and the more proficient Emily will be at wielding it" seems to me that it should be "the more mastery you gain with a type of weapon the more proficient Emily will be at wielding it"

More English fixes!

"other tutorial before and" should read "earlier tutorials and"

"any better idea." should be "any better ideas."

More English help!

"after some time passed or after you did something." should read "after some time has passed or after you do something."

"was still even more crowded" should be either "was even more crowded" or "was still more crowded", though the second one is better used as a comparison to some thing that comes next in the sentence. That is something like "was still more crowded than earlier", but this structure doesn't really fit in with the rest of the sentence.

"don't take any risk." while what's there isn't actually wrong, it would be more usual to say "risks" here. Explaining why is hard and I'm not sure how to do it.

"go in this alley" should probably be phrased as "go down that alley"

More little fixes

"what other thought" should be "what others thought"

"trying to calm her nerve and" should be "trying to calm her nerves and"

"her, giving her one question," not exactly wrong but would probably be better as "her, allowing her one question," or "her, allowing her to ask one question,"

"a lot of reaction," should be "a lot of reactions,"

More little English corrections!

"protagonist if it did" probably should replace "it" with either "he" or "they" and change later in the sentence to match.

"studying Incas." should read "studying the Inca."

"searched about Incas" again, "the Inca"

More grammar!

"Emily want to buy" should be "Emily wants to buy"

"equipments" should be "equipment"

More English nitpicks!

"habitants" should be "inhabitants"

"middle age" should be "Middle Ages"

"no dirty spot," should be "no dirty spots,"

"How is there so many tutorial in a game?" should be "How are there so many tutorials in this game?"

"isn't too much people" should be "aren't too many people"

"diverse clothings." should be "diverse clothing."

"Those are the only" should be ""These are the only"

"but she suddenly noticed something." this is a matter of preference or taste, but I think it would be better to just say "but she noticed something." You don't need to intensify here.

Little corrections:

"how many effect an item" "effect" should be plural

"house they came from" not really wrong but consider "house they'd come from"

"empty of lives but" I'm not sure what's intended, but consider just removing "of lives", here "empty" would be clear from context that it's not actually totally empty, just no people.

"sleep on it" means have a think about something for a while, I'm not sure that's what you intended here.

"who travel with only" should read "who travels with only"

"What? No! Why are you asking that?" nothing actually wrong here, but would be more natural for Jon to phrase it as "What? No! Why would you ask that?"

"the games I'm" probably should just be one "game" here.

"supposed to be enjoying is doing that." would be more natural as "supposed to be enjoying would do that."

"But I don't think you would be so careful as to write your wish to finally not read part of it..." Is a bit weird, "But I don't think you would be so careful as to write your wish and so careless as to not read part of it..." would be a little better... I'm not really sure how best to phrase this.

"be a lot of longer road than that" is not grammatically correct, maybe "be a lot of much longer roads than that later"

"well get the furthest possible" should read "well get as far as possible"

Little corrections!

"Green eyes now adorned her face," "adorned" is probably the wrong word. It has connotations of something being added on for decoration, not being part of something. I can't think of a good word to put in there, probably better to rephrase. Something like "Her eyes were now green rather than brown, though they didn't look any more magical".

"homeworks"/"homework" again

"Their meaning have already" should be "Their meaning has already"

Little corrections:

"Information" and "homework" both don't pluralize, they already refer to a collection, so in every case "homeworks" should be "homework" and "informations" should be "information".

Past tense of "to leave" is "left" not "leaved"

"but there were no habitations nearby" is grammatically fine... but sounds weird. "houses" would improve it. Probably best to rephrase, drop "but" just say that there wasn't anything nearby, Probably in it's own sentence rather than being joined onto the one about the yard and road.

Caught more little errors!

typo: bas should be bad

"how his equipments gave him" "equipment" doesn't pluralize, it's a collective noun.

"have to buy a new one" "panties" is always acts as a plural, even when talking about one piece of clothing, so this should be "have to buy new ones"

"He arrived in a large piece more" I don't know what you intended here, maybe "place" instead of "piece" but maybe "room" would be better?

Just a note: caught some errors

"Wait! The game answer you when you ask a question?" should probably be "Wait! The game answered you when you asked it a question?" there are a few other ways to phrase it but I think that's the smallest change that is correct.

"While you were distracted, you didn't answer one of my question", "question" should be plural.

"I out of the game." should read "I'm out of the game.", though correct, that still sounds weird to me, "I'm not in the game" sounds better to me.

"reached into the wardrobe and picked the garments..." is missing an "up" ("picked up the")

"didacticial" isn't a word I'm familiar with and I'm not sure what was intended, "dialog" maybe?

"sweared" past tense of "to swear" is "swore"

"should have started by something else" should read "should have started with something else"

"closed his eyes a second to" is not wrong but would more often be phrased "closed his eyes for a second to"

Yes, if you wanted to put things in line with the way the stone works I would recommend editing your existing stories to either remove their awareness or as Ctbro said you could include it in the wish that they are aware. Though heh, as we know from the writing. Not always an advisable thing to do when changing people without asking.

This is a solid start to a conjoined story for Karyn. I like it.

Such a classic first quest. Reminded me of fighting rats in Candlekeep in original Baldurs Gate game ;)

A Rat? The Fighter's Guild is making the apprentices fight rats? LOL

Nice chapter! Would love if you had time and wanted to. To add to the switching stone. If not I understand